How do I deal with the death of my Mom?

I haven't posted since last year because of all the changes going on. The worst was my Mom getting ill, breaking her shoulder when she fell, then after 2 botched surgeries she passed away. It's the kind of thing where you say, we should sue the surgeon and the company that made the replacement but we're not the suing kind. My brother is really mad but since he was in charge of taking care of Mom (she lived with him) I'm not going to go against his way of thinking. My Mom was the reason I always backed out of suicide. I just couldn't do that to her. Now I'll have to fight my depression even harder.

My husband has moved me into a new place but we're still keeping our house. This makes it a little easier but anyone who has anxiety and agoraphobic problems will know moving is really hard.

New is a hard concept for my anxiety. Even new clothes can set off panic. I know all you who love to shop will find that really weird. Often when I do buy anything new it hangs in the closet until I'm ready to wear it. I have a top I love I bought at the end of summer 2016 I still haven't worn only because it causes mild panic when I put it on. I think it's because it's light green with black butterflies. If it was the other way around I'd have no problem. I live in black and navy. If I wear white or ecru it's only because it's under black or navy. The dark clothing started because of the dogs jumping on me and staining my clothes but now it's more about what I'm most comfortable in.

 I was at Goodwill yesterday and my husband bought us a new painting. Right now it's under my computer desk because I can't deal with where to hang it. That means keeping it out of the way until I get used to seeing it. I really do like it. It's of nuthatch birds on flowering dogwood in muted tones.

I'm not sure when I'll post again. I need to find all the notes I made about things I wanted to post here. I also would like to get back to adding graphics. I just got my old xp computer up and running so I'm ready there at least. It took a while before I was willing to shut down the phone and internet at the house and move the computer here. I've had a problem finding a new virus software that works with winxp. I was using one that came with the old isp. We're using a different isp here so that made that virus software go bye-bye. At least this isp is faster even if their virus software won't work on my desktop.

I'm still around....

 

Yeah, I'm still around it's just I'm not in the mood for writing. I'm fighting a hard battle with depression and it's been winning since my last post. I have so many notes of things I was planning on writing about but my brain just seems to freeze up when confronted with turning them into a post. I'm having the same problem with some book reveiws I promised to do. I loved the books but I just can't seem to put any words down.

My life is changing and I'm not really happy with what's going on so maybe that's what's blocking my writing muse. I have to realize it's happening whether I really want it to or not so I'm just going to have to accept it and deal so this quote is so me right now.

Spring has come and with it thoughts of ...

 

Here's the reason I haven't been posting or even doing much other than playing games at Facebook. More on that later.

You say why are you depressed when it's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and stuffs growing and blooming? Thank you for being so kind to ask :) My answer is because we've had the rainiest, muddiest, dark and dreariest winter ever

Seeing the few daffodils, crocus, and other spring flowers blooming that didn't get damaged by the few days of extreme cold and snowy weather or the really heavy rains we had AFTER stuff was already starting to bloom (thanks bitch Mother Nature!) just isn't helping. Though the cute mini dafs I found yesterday did help a little.

It's so wet and soggy that even walking in grass you need rubber boots because you sink a bit. I have 2 knee high pair and they are the best things I've bought because they keep me from slipping and falling. It's like in most places the grass is almost floating above the mud underneath. All it takes is losing your balance and you find yourself sliding in mud as the grass moves with you. A friend of a friend (yes really, my cousin had it posted on her facebook feed) slid into her car and is now in a boot cast. Personally I've fallen 5 times when I stupidly didn't have my rubber boots in. You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the second time don't you? I've always been that person who always gets hurt someway, usually tripping, sliding out of sandals or clogs, tripping in high heels, or just bumping into things. I learned early when going into a store to keep track of my purse so it doesn't knock things off shelves. And I learned the hard way to be careful at outdoor craft shows because it's SO easy to trip over ropes and stakes put in the ground to hold up the tents and awnings. After doing this twice I'm so careful I tend to stay in the middle of the paths until I see something I really want to look at. I miss some things but it's really for the best. The next time I trip I just might take out the display when I fall.

Just crossing my front yard, which is pretty flat, can mean sliding and falling. I fell twice out there. You'd think having a wet muddy backside and hands would have taught me a lesson the first time. It took falling on my side so that I was wet and muddy from my face to my feet.The back yard is mostly mud since we had work done (again very stupidly) in the late fall. I'm beyond tired of wiping mud off the dogs when they come in. As for my boots, one pair I keep for the muddy yard and the other pair is for when I go out shopping and it's raining. And it seems to rain every 2 or 3 days.

The dark days are just getting to me and with it come the dark thoughts of the s word. This is the way it was last year when I slid into a depression so heavy I had suicide planned out. Reading isn't helping as much this year. Maybe I just haven't found a series to take my mind of the darkness. So I've retreated back into facebook games. It's gotten so bad I started a fake sign-in so I can play both of the games I like longer.

So if I don't post for a while it's most likely because I'm spending time playing games to keep my mind off just how sad I can get.