Fear of Driving - it's not the first time

 I'm developing a fear of driving. I used to have it but managed to deal with it but that seriously scary anxiety comes back every time I screw up while driving. Today was one of those days......I'm slow breathing, just trying not to go into full panic....... Ok, here's what happened. I pulled up to a stop sign and saw there was a truck behind me, looked to the left and then right, saw no cars but as I pulled out to turn left a car came speeding up the hill and lucky for me they were turning onto the road I was pulling out of.

I was so shocked I screamed and hit the gas to get out of the way just in case they weren't turning...........whoa, more panic..............................This corner scares me anyway. A few years ago I had another scare there and now all I can think of is that old saying that '3s a charm'. Could that mean that the 3rd time I won't be lucky?

I have no choice, I have to drive but I'll be going like a little old lady who drives under the speed limit. Yes, I'll be pulling over if possible to let those behind me go faster, I'm not stupid just scared.....

How I'm dealing with all this anxiety

 I've been putting off writing because of too much stress and depression. I mean how can someone who feels so much empathy for others not want to hide in a closet and only come out a few times a day? Oh right, I also have trouble with claustrophobia.

The DH isn't helping with all the doom scrolling. I now tell him to keep it all to himself, I just can't take it, the news is hard enough to watch, I really don't need more.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, most of the world is. Between the war in Ukraine and the people in this country who seem to be backing Russia I'm ready to become completely agoraphobia again.It's always an internal war with my brain and it can be horribly cruel to the rest of me.

More and more I'm turning to  embroidery and art classes to get thru all this hard stuff. My brain won't settle down enough for reading a book but following some's video or printed directions draws me in. I've also been watching some old movies. Today was 'Bell, Book, and Candle' and 'The Boy With Green Hair'. If you get a chance you should watch them. I found them on a digital station, MoviesTV.

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite links:

1. For embroidery - Creative Stitchery

2. For art - Every Tuesday Jenny Manno has a new you tube video.

Here's a link to some free classes at sketchbook-revival-2022 They will be starting on March 21 till April 18.

Another free class is Melanie River's Medicine Circle Retreat. It's starting March 25 and goes for a week.

Take care of yourselves and let's pray for peace everywhere.

Matty, gone but not forgotten

 

 I know I haven't been posting but I found it hard to find the inspiration to write after losing Matty in September. He started having seizures back in May and no matter the drugs the vet tried they were getting worse. It got to a point were one of us had to be with him all the time just in case he had one. When he was having multiples the vet did xrays and  found a tumor on his brain. That's when the DH decided it was time to let him go. I HATED it and was ready to keep taking care of him but the DH said I was making myself sick by not sleeping and he was afraid I'd go back to being agoraphobic. Soooooooooooo, we were both there for it and it was beyond awful. This wasn't the first time but I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to him.

You know I never knew dogs had seizures until we had another lab who had them. They started out so mild when he was a puppy we didn't realize what was going on till my Mom said he was staring off just like the foster girl my bro and sis-in-law were taking care of.  Then came my sweet Penny who we lost last year when she had a seizure and wouldn't come out of it so she had to be put to sleep. Now Matty baby, at least he was 8 not like Penny who was only 4. Of course all his idiot friends are , Hey I know where you can get a puppy, not realizing we need time to morn plus he's still training the little guy. I guess the DH will want to get one next year if he sees a litter he likes. I'm just hoping it will be healthy and that we've broke our string of bad luck with pets.

What path do you walk on?

Do you think there’s more than one we can choose to walk on in our lives? I was explaining to the DH that I think there’s the path with the nice cement sidewalk with pretty flowers growing along it, a few shady trees, with birds singing and squirrels barking. That’s what squirrels do, they bark. I love to go out when I see one in the yard and chatter at it while the squirrel barks back at me, like hey any chance you got any nuts I can have? So I go inside to get some peanuts in the shell I keep for them and toss a handful near it. A few more barks and it’s a happy little squirrel so I leave it to yum down. I used to have a tree right outside the window where I worked (I’m so sad it had to be cut down :( after being hit with lightening) and a squirrel would come on a branch near the window whenever it could hear me clacking away on the keyboard and bark away for food. Not good for when you’re writing and now have to stop and go feed that insistent little fur ball. It really kills the thought flow.

Back to the paths I was telling the DH about. There are these 2 paths, first the really pleasant one and somewhat easy one. Yours maybe a lot different than the one I described but say it’s whatever you think is really nice like a sandy beach; or a pretty flower filled meadow; or a calm stream where you’d need a boat or a large tube like water parks have; or a path thru the woods, just don’t make it a dark one or you’ll be on the other path.

Then there’s the overgrown, jungle like one he tends to take and always drags me along. It doesn’t matter that I’m bitching and trying to pull him onto my nice calm path, he just keeps on with hacking away at all the crap that comes along.

What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve learned to go with the flow and try not to stress out over stuff like I used to. Wow, if you want to see a really crazy path it would have been the one I was on in my early teens when I was not only housebound with agoraphobia but fighting to be home schooled. Did I ever tell you about the dr the school insisted I see that decided the best way to cure a scared panicky child was to scare her more by saying my parents would go to jail if I didn’t go to school? I spent days hiding under my bed only coming out to run into the bathroom, then run back to the bed. I can feel the emotions coming back as I write this. Now tell me who was more crazy, me a 12 year old or this so called dr?

Back to how I learned how to go with the flow. It all started with finding a book at a library book sale called ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff ... and it’s all small stuff’ by Richard Carlson. I’ve owned it for over 5 years and still haven’t read it all but what I have read helped me realize that all I was doing was making myself sicker and if I really wanted to change I had to let go of worrying over every tiny thing. You know it’s bad when you find yourself stressing over what you’re wearing and there’s no one around to see it. Or here’s a good one, when I was a child I didn’t think I deserved Barbie or her friends because I didn’t live in as nice of a house as in the commercials. Is it no wonder since I was always nervous and ended up agoraphobic.

It doesn’t always work, there are some pretty big weeds that show up on my path, and a rock or 2 (or a boulder) to trip me up. I’m especially bad at getting over stuff that happens or something I’ve said that I wish I hadn’t. I’ll run it over and over in my mind causing me to loose sleep. We’ve all done that ...right...? I hope I’m not the only one.

So if you find a copy of the book I recommend chapter 10 ‘Learn to Live in the Present Moment’. It’s only 2 small pages and it will speak to all those who worry about what happened and what may happen.

Love to all, I'm off to watch more of RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars on Paramont+. I never thought I'd get addicted to any reality show but this one got me. I'm rooting for Ginger Minj!

The new Jenny Lawson Book

 I’m a HUGE fan of Jenny. Not one who would stalk her or anything but I do lurk over at her blog. I don’t post, I just read.

So back to her new book, when my birthday came around last month the DH bought it for me! He also got me a new pair of the cutest Silver Forest ladybug earring, too. He knows what I like, well at least after I talked about both for 2 months. I’m just glad he took the hint since he hates to shop.

Isn’t the cover great? That’s the kind of monster I’d have, too, one that keeps killing all my plants and flowers. I am a member of the brown-green thumb club. Give me a plant and in 6 months to a year I’ll either kill it or that monster will.

Inside the book you’ll find 36 (yes, 36!!) chapters. Some are so funny you’ll spit whatever you’re drinking. The book should come with a notice stating it’s dangerous to drink or eat while reading this book. Other chapters will make you so sad you’ll want to head over to Jenny’s blog to let her know you care. Go ahead, she needs to know how much we appreciate her sharing her life with us.

She often writes about her doctors and all the meds she takes. It makes me stressed for her just reading about how hard everything is for her. I avoid doctors and it drives the DH crazy. He goes on and on about it but my reasoning is if I go he’ll find something wrong that will require tests or worse a hospital stay and that’s just not something my anxiety riddled brain (who hates the rest of me) will let me do.

It’s all worth reading even if you don’t have any mental illnesses which I don’t think after the year of covid many can say they don’t have some problem. Remember FOGO (fear of going out)? How many of you will be experiencing agoraphobia having to go back to work?

 

Matty, FBI Most Wanted, my Dad, and Sean Penn

 You're probably wondering what all of this has in common. To you it must look a bit (ok more than a bit) crazy but here's what it's all about.

If you read my last post you already know about my lab, Matty, having a seizure. He had 2 more since then. One a week later and another 2 days after that. Actually it was the morning we finally got an appointment with the vet. Memorial weekend had them out of the office till Tue.

This is all so scary to us since we lost 2 other dogs to seizures. How and why is making us over stressed. The first was a lab who we noticed having very mild ones when he was a puppy. He would just suddenly stare off for a few minutes then come back like nothing had happened. Meds helped at first but they never were able to control them. I explained about my sweet girl, Penny, in the last post. Still makes be tearful.

Back to the vet. They took blood and found everything ok there but she did say his prostate was dropped and tender. She then said that can happen with age (he's 8). He's on meds now and so far (fingers and toes crossed) no more seizures.

Now for some weird info the DH found when he took the cocker pup to a weekend training session. BTW, leaving me with the zoo from Fri- Sun. That's 1 cat,  5 dogs, 8 chickens, 7 ducks, 11 rabbits and a flock of pigeons. Oh yes, after 3 days of morning to night walking dogs, feeding everybody, and cleaning up after them all I was ready to sell all the birds and rabbits on Craig's List.

But back to DH telling other people at the training sessions about Matty. Turned out 3 others have had this happen in the last 2 years!!!!!!!!  A vet did an autopsy on 1 dog and found a weed seed that had obviously gone up the nose and into the brain, There it caused the dog to have seizures. Wow! I mean WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this crazy or what. I need to find out the name of the weed. The DH says it grows all around. He always trains in various fields and woods here in PA and over in Ohio so if the seed thing is possible it may explain Penny's last days.

Now why FBI:Most Wanted? It's what I was watching when Matty had his first seizure and I was alone with him. Now I'm finding it hard to watch the show since it's causing me anxiety and yes we do pretty much anything to avoid anxiety, don't we? So ignoring the show while the DH watches will now be the norm for a while and no more repeats of Six Feet Under.

I have the same problem with Sean Penn because of my Dad. It's been years since he died of a massive heart attack so you'd think I could just move on but I haven't watched Saturday Night Live since that night. Sean Penn was hosting and I was still sorting my Dad's birthday card and gift (it was his birthday but we were visiting on Sunday since the DH worked and I wasn't driving at that time). Five minutes into the the opening monologue I got a call from my Mom that my Dad had (literally) dropped dead pulling down a window shade. I admire Mr. Penn but avoid watching anything with him in it. I'm sure he doesn't really mind since he seems to be a really nice caring guy.

See, this all brings back the years I was housebound with agoraphobia, too. I NEVER want that to happen again. Like most agoraphobics I don't deal well with change and losing someone is just too big of a change. It's so easy to slip back into not leaving the house isn't it?

Back to where I belong ....... writing

 

 

I haven’t posted since last year because of working on a new book. I was also thinking about the choices I made in my life and those that needed to be made now that we were in covid-land. Knowing it was best to stay home made me worry that my agoraphobic tendencies would start their tempting but oh so destructive thoughts in my brain that hates me. I mean it can’t like the rest of me if it’s willing to cause SOOOOO much destruction. It becomes addictive to just stay home, to not have to go out and very possibly deal with sucky panic attacks. Lucky for me I could drive from home to the DH’s work house Jeez that sounds so Dickensian. I’m gonna call it the “play house” since the DH and furry kids love being there to play on all the acres of woods. In fact the cat, Andy, stays there full time now. So does the new pup the DH brought home last fall all the way from upper Michigan. He had a crazy trip going there during a time when covid was really bad in Michigan. I may have to write about it sometime because you’d never believe how much poo was involved (and it wasn’t dog poo). Oh, and in case you’ve read my other posts and know we also have a lab named Matty, he comes back and forth with me from home to the “play house”.

Ok, back to the subject of trying to avoid becoming housebound. I was basically saying it’s nice to have two houses so I could get out without going shopping and be worried about covid. I have a niece who got it last May and still feels awful. Our family lost two people to covid and one to cancer. My nephew got cancer and passed 12 weeks after diagnosis. The DH was helping a friend clean out a garage and offered to move the atv. Big mistake as he had never driven one. Backing up he hit a pile of wood and flipped it over on himself. He ended up with concussion, cracked ribs, stitches in his mouth, and legs so bruised he got blood clots. As for me, just the usual sprained ankle and ending up using crutches for a week after being clumsy.

Life has changed again now that most of the family and our friends got the covid shots. We got the Pfizer with only minor side effects like a sore arm and being tired. In fact no one I know had any worse side effects from either double shots but when I talk to people who refuse to get vaccinated they always say they know or have heard of people who’ve gotten really sick. I don’t know but I bet its fear after reading all the lies spread online. The internet has become a place of even more craziness, lies, and danger. I don’t even go online everyday any more. I just can’t take the hostility that’s growing everywhere online.

So anyway, the choices that are now on my mind have to do with getting back to this blog and keep my other writing going, too. I finally feel inspired to start writing here again. It’s so easy to indulge in being lazy about writing and instead just read and embroider. It comes down to doing the necessary things and sorting out the stuff that isn’t. I found it really does help calm me and have less panic.

Like many, I truly enjoyed this year of a quiet life, well except for all the awful stuff I wrote about a few paragraphs ago, and I’m not going back to a stress filled one that only ends in panic attacks. I’ve learned how to spread out all the work that needs to be done, that ½ hour gardening can be enough because more will mean my allergies will make me extra sick. The same goes for the time spent in the office/crafting room. If I can’t get inspired after 1 hour it’s time to move on to something else.

The hardest part of making these changes may be making the people in my life understand how important living a quieter life is to me. How just because they feel the need to be busy to the point of stress, that I’m just not going to fall back into that way of living again. I refuse to thought of as a failure because I figured out what works for me.

BTW, have you ever heard the term FOGO? It’s short for fear of going out. Aren’t we lucky the press has come up with a new shorthand for agoraphobia?

I'm baaaaack - - - - -

Don't be scared, it's just me, Willow.

I know it's been years since my last post. Life really slammed me hard when my Mom died. I gave up writing and lost my funny. I just didn’t want to think so I read a lot and played online games way too much.

Eventually I got tired of games (a very huge surprise) and after being disappointed in 4 new books from 4 series I had been reading, I gave up books, too (a huge but sad surprise).

So what did I replace them with? Thanks for wondering! It’s embroidery! First I came across posts that linked to EGA while spending (wasting) time at Pinterest. I’m really not happy with Pin anymore. I keep setting it so videos don’t auto play but every time I come back to the site there they are, slowing everything down and playing stuff I have NO interest in. The site’s becoming crap.

Back to embroidery, BTW thanks for letting me have a small vent. Have to admit I lost interest in EGA since the monthly projects have been cross stitch and I’m SOOOOOOOOO over it like years ago when I was a kid. Now it’s a site called www.pintangle.com that's got my interest. There’s a weekly post with new stitches every Tue, though since it’s in Australia and I’m in the US east coast I get the post on Monday afternoon. It’s been fun learning new stitches and using them on an old crazy quilt I started when I belonged to the local quilt guild. I quit when I found I couldn’t fit in.

 

I’m not much of a joiner or friend maker. Guess it’s from having agoraphobia since I was a child. Plus the older I get the less patience I have for people who aren’t nice to others. I am, even when I don’t like someone. You know that ancient golden rule (bible) saying, “Treat Others Like You Want Others To Treat You”. It was one of my Mom’s favs. She really should have had it embroidered on something. So, anyway it’s kind of been the way I’ve always lived. It’s like karma, if you’re shitty then that’s what gets thrown back at you. I’m going to embroider some of these sayings, maybe I’ll share them online. I did find some pandemic type embroideries. Have a look at: www.heislerscreativestitchery. There’s a new one each month. If you’re religious then try www.elefantz. I’m not so much but I like her freebies, plus I can change the text ones. Another embroidery site I like is www.pinsandneedles.com.

I will admit I did find a new game called Lily’s Garden but only play it on my phone. If you’ve read any of my past posts you know how much I HATE phones but thanks to Mom I did get one. Though to be honest I mostly use it to play the game.

That’s enough for a first post. I'm working on finding my funny again. Stay safe, avoid crowds (like agoraphobics need to hear that),and WEAR a damn mask!

How do I deal with the death of my Mom?

I haven't posted since last year because of all the changes going on. The worst was my Mom getting ill, breaking her shoulder when she fell, then after 2 botched surgeries she passed away. It's the kind of thing where you say, we should sue the surgeon and the company that made the replacement but we're not the suing kind. My brother is really mad but since he was in charge of taking care of Mom (she lived with him) I'm not going to go against his way of thinking. My Mom was the reason I always backed out of suicide. I just couldn't do that to her. Now I'll have to fight my depression even harder.

My husband has moved me into a new place but we're still keeping our house. This makes it a little easier but anyone who has anxiety and agoraphobic problems will know moving is really hard.

New is a hard concept for my anxiety. Even new clothes can set off panic. I know all you who love to shop will find that really weird. Often when I do buy anything new it hangs in the closet until I'm ready to wear it. I have a top I love I bought at the end of summer 2016 I still haven't worn only because it causes mild panic when I put it on. I think it's because it's light green with black butterflies. If it was the other way around I'd have no problem. I live in black and navy. If I wear white or ecru it's only because it's under black or navy. The dark clothing started because of the dogs jumping on me and staining my clothes but now it's more about what I'm most comfortable in.

 I was at Goodwill yesterday and my husband bought us a new painting. Right now it's under my computer desk because I can't deal with where to hang it. That means keeping it out of the way until I get used to seeing it. I really do like it. It's of nuthatch birds on flowering dogwood in muted tones.

I'm not sure when I'll post again. I need to find all the notes I made about things I wanted to post here. I also would like to get back to adding graphics. I just got my old xp computer up and running so I'm ready there at least. It took a while before I was willing to shut down the phone and internet at the house and move the computer here. I've had a problem finding a new virus software that works with winxp. I was using one that came with the old isp. We're using a different isp here so that made that virus software go bye-bye. At least this isp is faster even if their virus software won't work on my desktop.

Depression has set in... So let the games begin!

If you’ve seen my last 2 posts you know I was a fan of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. These were 2 very talented and funny women. Of course I connected with Carrie because of our crazies. As for Debbie she was someone my Mom loved to watch in old movies on TV with me when I was a kid. Her passing made me realize I could lose my Mom, too. She’s fighting the flu right now and with her COP breathing probs we’re all hoping she doesn’t come down with pneumonia and end up in the hospital like she did 2 years ago.

So it’s not just the shock and sadness that Carrie and Debbie’s passing brings, it’s the reminder of family and friends who are also gone, and of those who are of an age that puts them closer to leaving for good. I don’t have the biggest family and because of my years of agoraphobia the cousins I was so close to up to my late teens (when I was housebound yet again) just aren’t in my life much. That’s really a huge problem with being agoraphobic, everyone moves on with their lives while you sit (lay?) around feeling even more upset as family and friends leave you behind while they live their lives. You know I have some male cousins I hadn’t seen since they were little kids (I was a teen) and didn’t recognize them 10 years later when I saw them during one of my less housebound times. It’s so weird and sad at the same time.

I was so ready to do the suicide thing last summer and take my chance on what would happen next but I’m now so glad I shook myself out of the deep depression I was in. My Mom and I are as close as Carrie and Debbie and if that tragedy could happen to them, it certainly could have happened to us. It would have devastated the rest of the family so no more serious thoughts of suicide. No matter how depressed I get I’ll work harder to stay more present. Even if it takes playing games online and not doing much else until I feel better. Guess writing will be on the back burner. I know we’re told writing out your thoughts and feelings are good for you as a way to express it all but I just can’t do that everyday. I get depressed putting how sad I feel into words and it makes it all worse.

I have been hanging out daily at Facebook, not reading my feed but playing Cookie Jam and The Panic Room. They’re my 2 favs right now. I play a few others but not everyday. With all the game friends I’ve added I can play Cookie Jam for hours without running out of lives. Once this is posted I’m heading over there. Who knows maybe you’re one of my game friends! If I’m no good at making new friends around here I’ll take online ones anyday.

How do you Deal With Life When Depression is Such a Big Part of it?

I took the entire month of Nov. off from writing anything. Between the depression I was already struggling with and all the extreme negative political ads and hate going around I just wanted to crawl under the covers and read away my anxiety. With Christmas and New Years coming it’s not getting any better.

I did put out some wreaths and a few other decorations but I’m not in any festive mood. Today I forced myself to get out some indoor decoration. I did enjoy seeing some of my fav decs. I don’t put up a tree until a few days before Christmas or even Christmas eve. I think if I lived alone I wouldn’t bother with any decorations, especially a tree. I hate more than anything the hassle of getting it all out and then putting it all away. And it’s not like I decorate every surface or put stuff in every room, it’s just a reminder of how much stress the holidays cause. It’s also a reminder of how I don’t have many friends (too many years housebound), how many family members are gone (of parents only my Mom is alive), and the stress of shopping in CROWDS (not good for someone with agoraphobic tendencies).

So with stress eating, reading, and gaming more than I should I’m not doing real good. I really hope you all are doing better! Try to relax and if stress is getting too much, do like I do... retreat into a book to feel like you are someone or at least somewhere else.  Try playing some online games but only if that doesn’t cause more stress. I gave up some of my games cause that’s what was happening.

Sorry there’s no Alice graphics this post I just can’t get into it this time. Hope you liked the book one. I found it on Pinterest. I printed a bunch of book and anxiety type graphics on plastic and shrunk them in my oven to make charms. They hang on my purse so I have something to grab onto when I'm out and feeling overwhelmed by crowds. 

All I can say is try to find something you really like to do that keeps your mind occupied and won't hurt you or anyone else to help you get thru all the anxiety and depression this time of year causes. Let's all look forward to a calmer time after the holidays.

So I went to beauty school ...

Yeah, I did go to a local beauty school during a time when my agoraphobia wasn’t so bad and managed to graduate. It wasn’t easy since my panic attacks kicked back in towards the end of getting all the hours I needed. Guess you’d say I was a medium functioning agoraphobic at the time. Me, I’d say I was a high school drop-out looking for something to do with my life because the local school district didn’t offer home schooling for years 11 & 12 (I was home schooled from 8 - 10) and my parents weren’t the types to fight the board about it. I love my parents but they were always wusses when it came to dealing with anything like that. But, I’m SO lucky ‘cause no matter how screwed up I got (& still am) they were always there for me and my Mom still is.

Bet you’re wondering just how did I manage to go to beauty school but not to regular school? If not just skip this part, go ahead I won’t get mad. I truly believed there would be less bitchiness going to school with older women than being in high school with all the queens of mean. Little did I know just how bad females of any age can be. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of really nice people but there were also those few that are never happy unless they can be the center of attention and if that means being mean then that’s what they’ll be. I spent more than a few days in the bathroom in tears but I managed to stick it out ‘cause it was never as bad as high school.

Ok, back to the reason I’m writing about beauty school, and no I never did get my license because I became completely housebound after graduating. It was that evil yet scared part of my brain realizing I’d have to travel a lot further than I was used to and have to take a LOT of tests in a place I’d never been to. I’m not good with places I don’t know. Rotten bitch brain just went all idiotic thinking she was saving me but just messed up my life even more. Guess Pinky-Brain decided after putting in almost 2 years at school with only minor anxiety why not start having major crazy panic attacks again. For the next year the only time I went out was when The DBF (that's darling boyfriend in case you didn't know and BTW he now is the DH!) came home from the Navy and when my Mom threatened no letters or phone calls from him if I didn’t go to church with her.

I know I’m back off track again. I’m bringing up beauty school because I cut and color my own hair. I honestly don’t trust anyone else to do it. The few times I went to a salon I ended up very (no that’s not strong enough) extremely unhappy. I even left one place in tears. Take for instance the time I wanted the Meg Ryan cut. You know the one from the 1990’s, it’s sometimes called a Mom cut now, but it’s still cute. The DH keeps asking me to get it again (hmmm... do you think he may have a secret crush on Meg?) but since I have a hard time cutting the back of my hair that short I won’t, plus I really like my French braids. Anyway, the girl used hair wax for the first time and really got carried away with it. Since it was in the 90’s outside the salon I’m sure you can imagine my slowly drooping hair. Plus it took me 3 days to get it all washed out. Then there was the time I went to a salon that took drop-ins (I’m not good with appointments, way too much stress). The woman did a decent cut but since she was also doing another customer with a perm she just handed me a blow dryer and brush and said, “ Well you know how you want it”. Another stylist realized what was going on when she finished her customer and insisted on taking over. No wonder the shop went out of business if they pulled that kind of shit. Then there were the stylists who looked at the pictures I took in (I always took a lot of pics just so they’d know exactly what I wanted) and they still gave me a different and much shorter haircut. I’m truly surprised we’re not a world of long haired women wearing our hair in buns and braids.

... and here I go again. I just thought you needed some back story ... no? ... sorry, but it does explain why I do my own hair, it’s not just the panic attacks. This time I promise to get on with the reason for this post. The really real reason I’m writing about hair is because I recently colored my hair and even though I knew, I really did know there was a very good chance it would happen, my pale blonde hair picked up the orangey gold base color of the dye. Yeah, I ended up with Trump orange hair. Not a look I wanted so I washed my hair with the strongest shampoo we had and it softened the color a bit but now it was a peachy color (you know the fake peach shade not the real peach fruit color... that would be even worse). I knew I had to wait at least 6 -7 days before I could either re-color or do a peroxide shampoo in hope of removing some more of the color without damaging my hair further. After 3 days of ignoring mirrors unless the room was a bit dark the DH let me know it wasn’t orange or even peach anymore. Guess the shampoo did the trick but talk about panic attacks! I don’t take any meds for them but I do tend to self medicate with food. I gained 3 pounds in 3 days over it.

 

I still don’t like the color but instead of trying to color over it I’m just living in French braids. I did stop wearing a hat outside to hide it. It’s a true light blonde with slight golden highlights now but I won’t be playing with that color again. I know with so many fun hair colors on the market my hair wouldn’t have been seen as that bad but I’m not one to try to attract attention. Even peach hair was too much for me and gave me panic attacks. Should I tell you about the time when I was in beauty school the hair color teacher turned my bleached hair pink, purple, blue, green, and peach in various sections from hair dye? No? Yeah I’m having heart palpations just remembering it because then it all started breaking off, so let’s just say bye for now I’m heading to my bathroom closet to make sure I have the right shade of hair color for my next dye job.

Hi and welcome to my corner of madness . . .

Hi, I’m Willow and that’s not really me in that tiny pic to the right. That wistful, sometimes sulky, and always anxiety filled angel girl is how I see the inner me. You see I’m a low functioning agoraphobic with here and there panic attacks, a bit of depression, and I can only travel about 20 minutes from home with minor anxiety. Sucks right?

So here we are and you’ve got to be wondering just what the hell this site is about. Well I guess I’ll enlighten you. I’ve asked myself over and over if anything I have to say is worth sharing. I honestly don’t know but I keep making notes on things I’d like to write about. So I’m gonna have a go at this new version of my blog and maybe it might entertain you as it helps me to write about myself. Kinda like therapy but a whole less expensive.

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Welcome to the newest version of wistful willow. This blog was originally about superstition because at the time (and now) I was feeling very much like a Charlie Brown and that Murphy’s Law (google it if you haven’t ever heard of it) ran my life. When some fellow online ebayers that were wiccan (I’m not but don’t hold that against me) said I should stop putting it out there about my bad luck because I was inviting it in I decided maybe they were right so I deleted it. Shame, ‘cause I did have some interesting stuff that I never saved. I’m kinda a glass half empty person but I’m not that mean and if you came to my house I’d fill your glass full unless you only wanted half a glass... but then I’d worry if it was because my kitchen or the glass wasn’t clean enough or the drink tasted awful or maybe it was ... me. That I’m such a mess who’d want a full glass of anything from me, which is why I don’t entertain. I know I’m off track (get used to it).

Next I turned it into a place to share my Paint Shop Pro creations like frames and templates. I was truly addicted to it. I’d get up in the middle of the night to work on tutorials the groups I belonged to share. It was the kind of things we’d send to the group, look at, ooh  & ahh, and then do nothing else with them. I spent a lot of my time making graphics that were of no use but were nice to look at. Thank goodness I finally burnt out on it so I deleted the blog. Sorry if you bookmarked this blog hoping to get a free graphic or do one of my tutorials but I just had to move on. I did make the graphics for this blog so I do still use PSP, I’m just less neurotic about it, honest. I only spent a month agonizing over what to use, how to find copy right free pics, and then to finally make what you see here. That’s not bad, is it?

Now for what you’ll eventually read about here... I plan on this blog being a sometimes humorous, sometimes sad, but mostly weird walk thru the life of this anxiety filled angel girl. I offer no advice on how you should deal with panic attacks, agoraphobia, depression, or any other mental illness. This is just about me and how I sometimes deal and a lot of the times don’t. If I didn’t scare you away come back for more.