Fear of Driving - it's not the first time

 I'm developing a fear of driving. I used to have it but managed to deal with it but that seriously scary anxiety comes back every time I screw up while driving. Today was one of those days......I'm slow breathing, just trying not to go into full panic....... Ok, here's what happened. I pulled up to a stop sign and saw there was a truck behind me, looked to the left and then right, saw no cars but as I pulled out to turn left a car came speeding up the hill and lucky for me they were turning onto the road I was pulling out of.

I was so shocked I screamed and hit the gas to get out of the way just in case they weren't turning...........whoa, more panic..............................This corner scares me anyway. A few years ago I had another scare there and now all I can think of is that old saying that '3s a charm'. Could that mean that the 3rd time I won't be lucky?

I have no choice, I have to drive but I'll be going like a little old lady who drives under the speed limit. Yes, I'll be pulling over if possible to let those behind me go faster, I'm not stupid just scared.....

How I'm dealing with all this anxiety

 I've been putting off writing because of too much stress and depression. I mean how can someone who feels so much empathy for others not want to hide in a closet and only come out a few times a day? Oh right, I also have trouble with claustrophobia.

The DH isn't helping with all the doom scrolling. I now tell him to keep it all to himself, I just can't take it, the news is hard enough to watch, I really don't need more.

I know I'm not the only one feeling this way, most of the world is. Between the war in Ukraine and the people in this country who seem to be backing Russia I'm ready to become completely agoraphobia again.It's always an internal war with my brain and it can be horribly cruel to the rest of me.

More and more I'm turning to  embroidery and art classes to get thru all this hard stuff. My brain won't settle down enough for reading a book but following some's video or printed directions draws me in. I've also been watching some old movies. Today was 'Bell, Book, and Candle' and 'The Boy With Green Hair'. If you get a chance you should watch them. I found them on a digital station, MoviesTV.

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite links:

1. For embroidery - Creative Stitchery

2. For art - Every Tuesday Jenny Manno has a new you tube video.

Here's a link to some free classes at sketchbook-revival-2022 They will be starting on March 21 till April 18.

Another free class is Melanie River's Medicine Circle Retreat. It's starting March 25 and goes for a week.

Take care of yourselves and let's pray for peace everywhere.

What path do you walk on?

Do you think there’s more than one we can choose to walk on in our lives? I was explaining to the DH that I think there’s the path with the nice cement sidewalk with pretty flowers growing along it, a few shady trees, with birds singing and squirrels barking. That’s what squirrels do, they bark. I love to go out when I see one in the yard and chatter at it while the squirrel barks back at me, like hey any chance you got any nuts I can have? So I go inside to get some peanuts in the shell I keep for them and toss a handful near it. A few more barks and it’s a happy little squirrel so I leave it to yum down. I used to have a tree right outside the window where I worked (I’m so sad it had to be cut down :( after being hit with lightening) and a squirrel would come on a branch near the window whenever it could hear me clacking away on the keyboard and bark away for food. Not good for when you’re writing and now have to stop and go feed that insistent little fur ball. It really kills the thought flow.

Back to the paths I was telling the DH about. There are these 2 paths, first the really pleasant one and somewhat easy one. Yours maybe a lot different than the one I described but say it’s whatever you think is really nice like a sandy beach; or a pretty flower filled meadow; or a calm stream where you’d need a boat or a large tube like water parks have; or a path thru the woods, just don’t make it a dark one or you’ll be on the other path.

Then there’s the overgrown, jungle like one he tends to take and always drags me along. It doesn’t matter that I’m bitching and trying to pull him onto my nice calm path, he just keeps on with hacking away at all the crap that comes along.

What I’m really trying to say is that I’ve learned to go with the flow and try not to stress out over stuff like I used to. Wow, if you want to see a really crazy path it would have been the one I was on in my early teens when I was not only housebound with agoraphobia but fighting to be home schooled. Did I ever tell you about the dr the school insisted I see that decided the best way to cure a scared panicky child was to scare her more by saying my parents would go to jail if I didn’t go to school? I spent days hiding under my bed only coming out to run into the bathroom, then run back to the bed. I can feel the emotions coming back as I write this. Now tell me who was more crazy, me a 12 year old or this so called dr?

Back to how I learned how to go with the flow. It all started with finding a book at a library book sale called ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff ... and it’s all small stuff’ by Richard Carlson. I’ve owned it for over 5 years and still haven’t read it all but what I have read helped me realize that all I was doing was making myself sicker and if I really wanted to change I had to let go of worrying over every tiny thing. You know it’s bad when you find yourself stressing over what you’re wearing and there’s no one around to see it. Or here’s a good one, when I was a child I didn’t think I deserved Barbie or her friends because I didn’t live in as nice of a house as in the commercials. Is it no wonder since I was always nervous and ended up agoraphobic.

It doesn’t always work, there are some pretty big weeds that show up on my path, and a rock or 2 (or a boulder) to trip me up. I’m especially bad at getting over stuff that happens or something I’ve said that I wish I hadn’t. I’ll run it over and over in my mind causing me to loose sleep. We’ve all done that ...right...? I hope I’m not the only one.

So if you find a copy of the book I recommend chapter 10 ‘Learn to Live in the Present Moment’. It’s only 2 small pages and it will speak to all those who worry about what happened and what may happen.

Love to all, I'm off to watch more of RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars on Paramont+. I never thought I'd get addicted to any reality show but this one got me. I'm rooting for Ginger Minj!

The new Jenny Lawson Book

 I’m a HUGE fan of Jenny. Not one who would stalk her or anything but I do lurk over at her blog. I don’t post, I just read.

So back to her new book, when my birthday came around last month the DH bought it for me! He also got me a new pair of the cutest Silver Forest ladybug earring, too. He knows what I like, well at least after I talked about both for 2 months. I’m just glad he took the hint since he hates to shop.

Isn’t the cover great? That’s the kind of monster I’d have, too, one that keeps killing all my plants and flowers. I am a member of the brown-green thumb club. Give me a plant and in 6 months to a year I’ll either kill it or that monster will.

Inside the book you’ll find 36 (yes, 36!!) chapters. Some are so funny you’ll spit whatever you’re drinking. The book should come with a notice stating it’s dangerous to drink or eat while reading this book. Other chapters will make you so sad you’ll want to head over to Jenny’s blog to let her know you care. Go ahead, she needs to know how much we appreciate her sharing her life with us.

She often writes about her doctors and all the meds she takes. It makes me stressed for her just reading about how hard everything is for her. I avoid doctors and it drives the DH crazy. He goes on and on about it but my reasoning is if I go he’ll find something wrong that will require tests or worse a hospital stay and that’s just not something my anxiety riddled brain (who hates the rest of me) will let me do.

It’s all worth reading even if you don’t have any mental illnesses which I don’t think after the year of covid many can say they don’t have some problem. Remember FOGO (fear of going out)? How many of you will be experiencing agoraphobia having to go back to work?

 

My dog scared me and it was deja vu all over again

First I was going to put a picture at the top of the page but blogger is all , sorry we don't want your pictures right now try later. So I try later and it's still saying too bad. Ok, I'm paraphrasing but you get it don't you? I have a real hate relationship with blogger and if I hadn't done so much work with all the graphics and stuff I'd leave.

Back to my sweet Matty and why he scared me. Matty is an 8 year old black lab who other than having a delicate tummy has been healthy. On Tuesday he a had a seizure while we were at the house. I was watching FBI:Most Wanted when it happened. Now that show is like Saturday Night Live for me, brings bad memories. My Dad died while I was watching it and I haven't watched it since. Did finish watching the show on Paramount+ through Roku but kept my eyes on Matty most of the time. Talk about having too many panic attacks.

The DH was at the "play house" and wasn't answering his cell. That's normal since he often leaves it outside, in the car, in another room, even in a coat pocket but after calling 10 times with no answer I called the family he works for and Mrs. Dr. said she'd go down and check on him. Turns out he was asleep with the phone in the kitchen.

I wanted him to go to the vet asap but the DH wanted to wait a few days to see if he'd have another. He didn't but is definitely not acting like his sweet happy lab self. We did get an appointment on Tuesday but it will be a sucky weekend. All the rain and cold weather doesn't help either.

Why the deja vue? That's still hard for me to write about.....................................Yeah even harder than the 's' word.

I'll start with our first experience with seizures. We had another black lab named Mac who had minis at first when he was a pup but they became bigger and longer as he got older. By the time he was 9 he was having them every few hours and meds weren't working. We had to say goodbye to the big guy.

At the same time my bro and sis-in-law had a foster then adopted kid going thru the same thing but the meds for people were a LOT better than the ones for pets. She lived into her 20's but pneumonia took her from us.

Ok, here's the worse for me............... it's my baby girl Penny. She had 1 to 2 seizures a year, always when she was in heat (her period for non animal owners). The DH never thought they were serious enough to take her to the vet for but they did know about it when she went in for her shots. They just said keep an eye on  her and if they start happening more often to bring her in.  This is why I wanted Matty to go to the vet right away and not wait until it happened again. I mean what if this wasn't the first time? What if he had them when we were gone or asleep?.....................................................

I needed to pause, it's still too hard and it makes my heart hurt so bad

..........................................

Penny had her 2 seizures in Nov. right as she was finishing her heat cycle but a few weeks later she had 2 more and by Christmas she was having them about every 3 days.

..............................

Then came Jan. You all thought covid being found was bad but at the end of the month Penny started having seizures one after another. Nothing the vets did would stop them. We had 3 days of watching her with the last the most horrid. She did nothing but pace from one end of the kitchen to the other, drop to have a seizure, get up, and pace again till the next one hit. She was in a trance like state barely seeming like she recognized us. We tried to hold her to comfort both of us but only twice did she look into my eyes and and snuggle into my arms.

............................................................I needed to pause again, she was only 4.

At least when everything that could be done was done we were able to be with her at the end. The people at the vets were soooooooooo good to her and us. We had her cremated and when the DH picked her up he was also given a chiffon bag with a lock of her hair, a paw print in clay, and a card with all the staff's signatures. Just hoping we don't have to go thru this again because the vet still isn't letting owners in, even with shots and a mask. The DH whined but they said sorry, not yet and here in PA you can still do that.

BTW, Chewy sent roses when we canceled her dog food. Nice company, too bad Fed-x always delivers smashed boxes.

So now you see why all I did was screaming "nononono not again" when Matty was having his seizure. 

It's just too weird. We never even knew dogs had seizurse until Mac and now we have 2 more. I really think it's the flea and tick meds but the DH is worried it's the well water at the "play house" since Penny never had one until he started working there. We put most of the water thru a Birky water filter but not the dogs water. Well, we are now.

Oh, blogger decided to me nice and after working on this post for 3 days is letting me upload some pics. Here's Matty and the new pup, Micah at Christmas.

Blue Ain’t Just a Color...

I’m feeling blue... not the color blue, ‘cause then I’d be happy since it’s one of my fav colors. Maybe it’s more like sad or melancholy. Why you ask (you’re such a nice person I just know you’d wonder what’s wrong)?

It’s because I just read a book call ‘Voracious’ by Cara Nicoletti. Don’t get me wrong, the book is really good and I liked it a lot. It’s just that as I read my way thru the chapters about books she read as a child and the recipes they inspired it brought back memories of  how my parents were of the opinion that school was for learning how to read so why should they teach me. All that ended up doing was to teach me what it was to be embarrassed at a very early age and increase the panic attacks I had since I was a toddler. Yeah, I know that seems pretty early to say I was having severe panic but it’s true.

Once I did learn to read and had read every book in my classroom library (every class had their own shelves of books deemed correct for that grade) 3 or more times, my parents didn’t think to take me to the town library for more books to read. When I reached 2^nd grade the teacher decided to make getting a library card a homework assignment. I still remember my Dad taking me and having to lift me up because I was so short and the counter was so high. But the memory is bittersweet though ‘cause even though I now had something that I truly treasured I didn’t get to use it until much later.

I still can’t understand why these two people who read newspapers (sometimes 2 a day) and subscribed to a wide variety of magazines (usually 6-8) were so unsettled by the library they avoided it. I asked my Mom about it and got the impression it was the multitude of books and not knowing where to start. She also seemed to feel that she just wouldn’t fit in. For a fairly smart person with a great memory she has no confidence. As for Dad he always said the reading room where the newspapers and magazines were kept was too crowded. Truth is it usually was.

When I reached 7^th grade and was walking to town by myself I started going to the library, too. Soon I was calling for a ride home because the stack of books I checked out was so large. Dad and I developed a system of when he had errands around town, I’d go along to go the library and stay there till he came in and got me. To this day I love to go to any of the local libraries. Even after reading an e-book I’ll often look for the printed version at one of the libraries.

Whoa, I really got off track. Now the reason this book (Voracious) made me blue was because I never got to read some of the books she writes about as a kid. I tend to get very upset I never read Winnie the Pooh as a child. Think it’s really weird the school didn’t have it and it’s not in Cara’s book .  Anne of Green Gables and the Little House on the Prairies weren’t in the school library either and that’s really surprising too. Some of her favs I did read in school but it still makes me sad I missed so many good books back then.

One happy memory I do have was when my parents bought me Dr. Seuss books, the Bobbsey Twins (which only made me want a twin so much I made up one and called her Suzie. My parents thought this was hilarious), and a lot of others. But I’m still sad for all the ones I didn’t have as a child and reading them as an adult hasn’t helped this feeling go away.

I’m jealous of people like Cara who talk about going home as an adult to find their childhood books either still on shelves or packed away where they can get them. My Mom knowing that we were a bit better off than other family members was a big believer that when you out grew anything (clothes, toys, and books) you gave it away to someone who could use it. When I got married and she saw my husband still had many of his childhood books she apologized for giving mine away knowing I would have cherished them. It was nice but it didn’t fill the hole they left. I guess if I had a kid I would have bought all the books I loved and lots of new ones but I don’t so I didn’t.

I’m also jealous of kids whose parents read them to sleep. My Mom was more the “I’ll sing a song or we’ll recite nursery rhymes” type. She didn’t have the patience to read me to sleep. She knew a book would only keep me awake as I would want just one more chapter, then another, and another. Just like now when I’ll end up reading all night or until J. comes out and grumbles at me for still being up. This is why even though I love regular books my Nook comes in handy. With the light up screen I can read in the dark and if I hear him getting up I just put the nook face down and hope he thinks I fell asleep in the living room because I was too sick to come to bed (I have a lot of stomach distress). Crap, I’m an adult and I’m still acting like a kid with a flashlight under the covers. Wonder how old you have to be to stop feeling guilty about staying up reading when you should be in bed?

Just a few of my books. BTW, they're 2 deep on the shelves and there's more shelves with more books. Gotta stop going to library book sales.

So I went to beauty school ...

Yeah, I did go to a local beauty school during a time when my agoraphobia wasn’t so bad and managed to graduate. It wasn’t easy since my panic attacks kicked back in towards the end of getting all the hours I needed. Guess you’d say I was a medium functioning agoraphobic at the time. Me, I’d say I was a high school drop-out looking for something to do with my life because the local school district didn’t offer home schooling for years 11 & 12 (I was home schooled from 8 - 10) and my parents weren’t the types to fight the board about it. I love my parents but they were always wusses when it came to dealing with anything like that. But, I’m SO lucky ‘cause no matter how screwed up I got (& still am) they were always there for me and my Mom still is.

Bet you’re wondering just how did I manage to go to beauty school but not to regular school? If not just skip this part, go ahead I won’t get mad. I truly believed there would be less bitchiness going to school with older women than being in high school with all the queens of mean. Little did I know just how bad females of any age can be. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of really nice people but there were also those few that are never happy unless they can be the center of attention and if that means being mean then that’s what they’ll be. I spent more than a few days in the bathroom in tears but I managed to stick it out ‘cause it was never as bad as high school.

Ok, back to the reason I’m writing about beauty school, and no I never did get my license because I became completely housebound after graduating. It was that evil yet scared part of my brain realizing I’d have to travel a lot further than I was used to and have to take a LOT of tests in a place I’d never been to. I’m not good with places I don’t know. Rotten bitch brain just went all idiotic thinking she was saving me but just messed up my life even more. Guess Pinky-Brain decided after putting in almost 2 years at school with only minor anxiety why not start having major crazy panic attacks again. For the next year the only time I went out was when The DBF (that's darling boyfriend in case you didn't know and BTW he now is the DH!) came home from the Navy and when my Mom threatened no letters or phone calls from him if I didn’t go to church with her.

I know I’m back off track again. I’m bringing up beauty school because I cut and color my own hair. I honestly don’t trust anyone else to do it. The few times I went to a salon I ended up very (no that’s not strong enough) extremely unhappy. I even left one place in tears. Take for instance the time I wanted the Meg Ryan cut. You know the one from the 1990’s, it’s sometimes called a Mom cut now, but it’s still cute. The DH keeps asking me to get it again (hmmm... do you think he may have a secret crush on Meg?) but since I have a hard time cutting the back of my hair that short I won’t, plus I really like my French braids. Anyway, the girl used hair wax for the first time and really got carried away with it. Since it was in the 90’s outside the salon I’m sure you can imagine my slowly drooping hair. Plus it took me 3 days to get it all washed out. Then there was the time I went to a salon that took drop-ins (I’m not good with appointments, way too much stress). The woman did a decent cut but since she was also doing another customer with a perm she just handed me a blow dryer and brush and said, “ Well you know how you want it”. Another stylist realized what was going on when she finished her customer and insisted on taking over. No wonder the shop went out of business if they pulled that kind of shit. Then there were the stylists who looked at the pictures I took in (I always took a lot of pics just so they’d know exactly what I wanted) and they still gave me a different and much shorter haircut. I’m truly surprised we’re not a world of long haired women wearing our hair in buns and braids.

... and here I go again. I just thought you needed some back story ... no? ... sorry, but it does explain why I do my own hair, it’s not just the panic attacks. This time I promise to get on with the reason for this post. The really real reason I’m writing about hair is because I recently colored my hair and even though I knew, I really did know there was a very good chance it would happen, my pale blonde hair picked up the orangey gold base color of the dye. Yeah, I ended up with Trump orange hair. Not a look I wanted so I washed my hair with the strongest shampoo we had and it softened the color a bit but now it was a peachy color (you know the fake peach shade not the real peach fruit color... that would be even worse). I knew I had to wait at least 6 -7 days before I could either re-color or do a peroxide shampoo in hope of removing some more of the color without damaging my hair further. After 3 days of ignoring mirrors unless the room was a bit dark the DH let me know it wasn’t orange or even peach anymore. Guess the shampoo did the trick but talk about panic attacks! I don’t take any meds for them but I do tend to self medicate with food. I gained 3 pounds in 3 days over it.

 

I still don’t like the color but instead of trying to color over it I’m just living in French braids. I did stop wearing a hat outside to hide it. It’s a true light blonde with slight golden highlights now but I won’t be playing with that color again. I know with so many fun hair colors on the market my hair wouldn’t have been seen as that bad but I’m not one to try to attract attention. Even peach hair was too much for me and gave me panic attacks. Should I tell you about the time when I was in beauty school the hair color teacher turned my bleached hair pink, purple, blue, green, and peach in various sections from hair dye? No? Yeah I’m having heart palpations just remembering it because then it all started breaking off, so let’s just say bye for now I’m heading to my bathroom closet to make sure I have the right shade of hair color for my next dye job.

Hi and welcome to my corner of madness . . .

Hi, I’m Willow and that’s not really me in that tiny pic to the right. That wistful, sometimes sulky, and always anxiety filled angel girl is how I see the inner me. You see I’m a low functioning agoraphobic with here and there panic attacks, a bit of depression, and I can only travel about 20 minutes from home with minor anxiety. Sucks right?

So here we are and you’ve got to be wondering just what the hell this site is about. Well I guess I’ll enlighten you. I’ve asked myself over and over if anything I have to say is worth sharing. I honestly don’t know but I keep making notes on things I’d like to write about. So I’m gonna have a go at this new version of my blog and maybe it might entertain you as it helps me to write about myself. Kinda like therapy but a whole less expensive.

__________________________

Welcome to the newest version of wistful willow. This blog was originally about superstition because at the time (and now) I was feeling very much like a Charlie Brown and that Murphy’s Law (google it if you haven’t ever heard of it) ran my life. When some fellow online ebayers that were wiccan (I’m not but don’t hold that against me) said I should stop putting it out there about my bad luck because I was inviting it in I decided maybe they were right so I deleted it. Shame, ‘cause I did have some interesting stuff that I never saved. I’m kinda a glass half empty person but I’m not that mean and if you came to my house I’d fill your glass full unless you only wanted half a glass... but then I’d worry if it was because my kitchen or the glass wasn’t clean enough or the drink tasted awful or maybe it was ... me. That I’m such a mess who’d want a full glass of anything from me, which is why I don’t entertain. I know I’m off track (get used to it).

Next I turned it into a place to share my Paint Shop Pro creations like frames and templates. I was truly addicted to it. I’d get up in the middle of the night to work on tutorials the groups I belonged to share. It was the kind of things we’d send to the group, look at, ooh  & ahh, and then do nothing else with them. I spent a lot of my time making graphics that were of no use but were nice to look at. Thank goodness I finally burnt out on it so I deleted the blog. Sorry if you bookmarked this blog hoping to get a free graphic or do one of my tutorials but I just had to move on. I did make the graphics for this blog so I do still use PSP, I’m just less neurotic about it, honest. I only spent a month agonizing over what to use, how to find copy right free pics, and then to finally make what you see here. That’s not bad, is it?

Now for what you’ll eventually read about here... I plan on this blog being a sometimes humorous, sometimes sad, but mostly weird walk thru the life of this anxiety filled angel girl. I offer no advice on how you should deal with panic attacks, agoraphobia, depression, or any other mental illness. This is just about me and how I sometimes deal and a lot of the times don’t. If I didn’t scare you away come back for more.