I'm still around....

 

Yeah, I'm still around it's just I'm not in the mood for writing. I'm fighting a hard battle with depression and it's been winning since my last post. I have so many notes of things I was planning on writing about but my brain just seems to freeze up when confronted with turning them into a post. I'm having the same problem with some book reveiws I promised to do. I loved the books but I just can't seem to put any words down.

My life is changing and I'm not really happy with what's going on so maybe that's what's blocking my writing muse. I have to realize it's happening whether I really want it to or not so I'm just going to have to accept it and deal so this quote is so me right now.

Spring has come and with it thoughts of ...

 

Here's the reason I haven't been posting or even doing much other than playing games at Facebook. More on that later.

You say why are you depressed when it's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and stuffs growing and blooming? Thank you for being so kind to ask :) My answer is because we've had the rainiest, muddiest, dark and dreariest winter ever

Seeing the few daffodils, crocus, and other spring flowers blooming that didn't get damaged by the few days of extreme cold and snowy weather or the really heavy rains we had AFTER stuff was already starting to bloom (thanks bitch Mother Nature!) just isn't helping. Though the cute mini dafs I found yesterday did help a little.

It's so wet and soggy that even walking in grass you need rubber boots because you sink a bit. I have 2 knee high pair and they are the best things I've bought because they keep me from slipping and falling. It's like in most places the grass is almost floating above the mud underneath. All it takes is losing your balance and you find yourself sliding in mud as the grass moves with you. A friend of a friend (yes really, my cousin had it posted on her facebook feed) slid into her car and is now in a boot cast. Personally I've fallen 5 times when I stupidly didn't have my rubber boots in. You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the second time don't you? I've always been that person who always gets hurt someway, usually tripping, sliding out of sandals or clogs, tripping in high heels, or just bumping into things. I learned early when going into a store to keep track of my purse so it doesn't knock things off shelves. And I learned the hard way to be careful at outdoor craft shows because it's SO easy to trip over ropes and stakes put in the ground to hold up the tents and awnings. After doing this twice I'm so careful I tend to stay in the middle of the paths until I see something I really want to look at. I miss some things but it's really for the best. The next time I trip I just might take out the display when I fall.

Just crossing my front yard, which is pretty flat, can mean sliding and falling. I fell twice out there. You'd think having a wet muddy backside and hands would have taught me a lesson the first time. It took falling on my side so that I was wet and muddy from my face to my feet.The back yard is mostly mud since we had work done (again very stupidly) in the late fall. I'm beyond tired of wiping mud off the dogs when they come in. As for my boots, one pair I keep for the muddy yard and the other pair is for when I go out shopping and it's raining. And it seems to rain every 2 or 3 days.

The dark days are just getting to me and with it come the dark thoughts of the s word. This is the way it was last year when I slid into a depression so heavy I had suicide planned out. Reading isn't helping as much this year. Maybe I just haven't found a series to take my mind of the darkness. So I've retreated back into facebook games. It's gotten so bad I started a fake sign-in so I can play both of the games I like longer.

So if I don't post for a while it's most likely because I'm spending time playing games to keep my mind off just how sad I can get.

Oh no, the peach rings are winning ... but only a little.

In my last post I wrote about trying to give up peach ring candy (doing a little better, yay!) and how I can’t eat when I know I’m going out. I thought I’d post about how I deal with eating, or not, when I know I have to go out. Then there’s just how much I eat when my anxiety level is lower and I know I’m not going out. I eat a lot, way too much. I’ve heard it called self-medicating with food. All I know is my weight keeps going up and my anxiety about it is increasing, too. I’m short (only 5”1”) so I prefer my weight to be at least under 120. I can handle 125 but I’m so far above that. I know my eating is just one more thing that’s out of control.

Isn’t that what causes panic attacks for most of us, that feeling of being out of control of our bodies and surroundings? That our bodies are screwing with us instead of being on our side? All you hear anymore is love yourself and your body no matter what size you are, stop the self-hate. I don’t think “they” know about how those who deal with panic, anxiety, and depression feel about our bodies. Really think about it, it’s not so much our bodies as that evil part of the brain I call The Pinky Brain (go back and read early posts if you don’t get it). It's our brain that seems to hate the rest of the body and loves to mess us up so bad we end up over eating or not eating at all.

So what foods do you eat when you’re dealing with anxiety or with having to go out? Like I’ve said I don’t eat when I’m going out. I will have something when I’m on the way home. And yeah I know there’s that thought in the back of head (damn evil Pink Brain) telling me, “what if you get stuck in traffic, what if there’s an accident, what if the car breaks down, and on and on...”. Well. I’ve gotten a bit better, thanks to the peach rings and iced tea. Sometimes I’ll even have some plain potato chips. Oh I have to admit I know they are too calorie laden but potatoes are my number one comfort food. The DH says it’s my Irish heritage, but whatever. I’ve always wanted them whether I’m feeling good or bad. He says I should just eat dry toast like I did when I was a kid. Hate to admit he’s right so don’t tell him, ok? But we all know that when dealing with panic attacks you HAVE to do what feels right for you and if it’s eating plain waffle chips from Aldis than that’s what I’m going to do.

As for the peach rings I’ve cut down to only having them when I’m out. I keep them in my emergency tote I wrote about last time so NO eating them here at home. Maybe some day I’ll be able to give them up but for now I need them at least sometimes. Same with the chips, but I’m also working on giving up poptarts. I hated them until I watched Gilmore Girls. Thank goodness all the chocolate ones have milk in them or I’d never be able to do it. But I have given up marshmallows in my hot chocolate coffee, so yay for that!

A parting thought, why does our brain become the most evil adversary in our lives and cause all this anxiety and depression? Can we ever beat it and win or is the best we can hope for is a truce?