Caffeine ------

As I was saying: Caffeine, can’t live with it and can’t do without it; or should that be: shouldn’t have it but can’t function without it?

As anyone who has panic attacks knows, we SHOULD NOT have caffeine. The nasty, yummy stuff can set off heart palpations and the next thing you know its panic attack time. I’d rather it was Morris Day & the Time or even ancient repeats of “It’s Howdy Doody Time”. But instead of dancing or laughing it’s slowing my breathing to calm down. BTW, why would anyone name a puppet from a child’s tv show after poo? I mean, what were they thinking? Or .... did poo get named doody after the show cause it wasn’t very good? I’ve never seen an entire episode so I can’t honestly say whether I think it just might be or not. Google did not help, not that it always does.

So any way, caffeine and I have a real love-hate relationship. I love it and it hates me. I have the same problem with other foods but back to caffeine ..... at least after I sip some more iced chocolate coffee (super strong please, yummmmmm).

Days begin with iced coffee whirled with dark chocolate almond milk and ice in my old Nutri-bullet when it’s hot out(ok, not only when it’s hot) or hot Irish or English breakfast tea served black with some stevia when it’s cold. I love these really strong teas! I then switch over to iced tea though I do work some water in, too. I’m trying to switch out some of the tea for seltzer. Thank goodness I love bubbly water :)

I have worked hard to give up Coke (the soda, not the drug though to some people drinking coke all day it kinda is a drug), but giving up tea and coffee, no way. I know you’re thinking why not decaf? I’m not a mind reader I’ve just heard it all before. The DH complains about it all the time. He’s a “good boy” who drinks 2 cups of ½ & ½ coffee a day and decaf tea. I NEED the caffeine to keep me going. I’m not a sound sleeper and wake up all night. I’ve tried ear plugs but worried I’d miss the phone or something important like the dog barfing. DH can sleep through most anything but me fussing so I spend some nights on the couch. Speaking of being sleepy I’m off to get a refill before I zone out again. It’s taken me way too long to write this post.

Stay safe, avoid crowds (like agoraphobics need to hear that), and WEAR a damn mask!

and neither am I, so no

I'm still not opening the blog to posts from readers

'cause I know there are some out there that are too trollish.

There's way too much hate swirling about and I'm

not equipped to deal with it.

Oh no, the peach rings are winning ... but only a little.

In my last post I wrote about trying to give up peach ring candy (doing a little better, yay!) and how I can’t eat when I know I’m going out. I thought I’d post about how I deal with eating, or not, when I know I have to go out. Then there’s just how much I eat when my anxiety level is lower and I know I’m not going out. I eat a lot, way too much. I’ve heard it called self-medicating with food. All I know is my weight keeps going up and my anxiety about it is increasing, too. I’m short (only 5”1”) so I prefer my weight to be at least under 120. I can handle 125 but I’m so far above that. I know my eating is just one more thing that’s out of control.

Isn’t that what causes panic attacks for most of us, that feeling of being out of control of our bodies and surroundings? That our bodies are screwing with us instead of being on our side? All you hear anymore is love yourself and your body no matter what size you are, stop the self-hate. I don’t think “they” know about how those who deal with panic, anxiety, and depression feel about our bodies. Really think about it, it’s not so much our bodies as that evil part of the brain I call The Pinky Brain (go back and read early posts if you don’t get it). It's our brain that seems to hate the rest of the body and loves to mess us up so bad we end up over eating or not eating at all.

So what foods do you eat when you’re dealing with anxiety or with having to go out? Like I’ve said I don’t eat when I’m going out. I will have something when I’m on the way home. And yeah I know there’s that thought in the back of head (damn evil Pink Brain) telling me, “what if you get stuck in traffic, what if there’s an accident, what if the car breaks down, and on and on...”. Well. I’ve gotten a bit better, thanks to the peach rings and iced tea. Sometimes I’ll even have some plain potato chips. Oh I have to admit I know they are too calorie laden but potatoes are my number one comfort food. The DH says it’s my Irish heritage, but whatever. I’ve always wanted them whether I’m feeling good or bad. He says I should just eat dry toast like I did when I was a kid. Hate to admit he’s right so don’t tell him, ok? But we all know that when dealing with panic attacks you HAVE to do what feels right for you and if it’s eating plain waffle chips from Aldis than that’s what I’m going to do.

As for the peach rings I’ve cut down to only having them when I’m out. I keep them in my emergency tote I wrote about last time so NO eating them here at home. Maybe some day I’ll be able to give them up but for now I need them at least sometimes. Same with the chips, but I’m also working on giving up poptarts. I hated them until I watched Gilmore Girls. Thank goodness all the chocolate ones have milk in them or I’d never be able to do it. But I have given up marshmallows in my hot chocolate coffee, so yay for that!

A parting thought, why does our brain become the most evil adversary in our lives and cause all this anxiety and depression? Can we ever beat it and win or is the best we can hope for is a truce?