Do you ever want to just give up? I do every time my husband
gets frustrated and angry. Whether it’s something I did, didn’t do (but he
thinks I should have, even if he never said, “Hey could you do this?”), or
something someone else did, he’ll get really pissy about it. Doesn’t matter if
I had nothing to do with it, all the snapping comes right at me. So what do I
do? I actually feel guilty about it like it’s my fault the weather’s crap, or
the car needs gas (oh, wait that is my fault but I always have a good excuse
like I’m only going out to do grocery shopping not going all over the place so
why should I have to pay for the gas?) or some other stupid thing I can’t
control but feel guilty that I can’t. I think I have a complex because I’m not
a witch with real magic. A side effect from all the fantasy and urban fantasy
books I’ve read I guess.
That’s when the dark part of my brain kicks in. Isn’t it
really awful there’s a part of the brain where it’s all dark and depressing and
there are scary things lurking like fear, anxiety, and suicide? It’s been
talking a whole lot this past year since the DH’s been extra grumpy about
everything.
After a particularly bad fight about my agoraphobia and
depression, (he comes from a family of ‘just do it’ types so he has a really
hard time understanding my lack of energy) my stupid brain kicks in and starts
with we could leave and I’m all well where would we go ‘cause I don’t have
anyone I could ask to take me in or money to get a hotel room besides I still
do love the jerk even when I wish I could rip his vocal cords out. With this
agoraphobia it’s not like I can even work and SS isn’t all that easy to get
(I’ve tried). By now I’m so depressed I just want to crawl in the closet but
can’t because they’re all too full and I have some claustrophobia anyway. So
then my evil brain says let’s just give up and die. You have a bag of
anti-anxiety meds you never took (too many side effects but that won’t matter
now). And I’m all yeah that would give him something to really bitch about,
leaving him to deal with all my books and stuff.
And that’s the real reason I started this blog... to let go
of the S-word.
In February I was extremely depressed, barely coping, and the DH was in such a bitchy mood ‘cause the world was conspiring against him (at
least that’s what it sounded like to me the way he was complaining about every
little thing). After a week of him barely being civil I just started sinking
further and further into that darkness that comes from the evil part of my
brain. I began to think the S-word sounded pretty good. I started planning it
all out for the summer solstice (oh yeah I love drama), checked to make sure I
had a LOT of pills (and I do), and started making lists of stuff to sell on
Etsy and Ebay (I’m still not sure why I was doing that since I thought it
would be one last thing of me being a pain in his ass by leaving all my stuff
for him to deal with). Next came letters I knew I’d have to leave. I had to
make what family I do have understand ‘cause I know from experience that not
knowing why is way beyond awful.
So why didn’t I do it? Well lucky for me with my depression
it all seemed like too much work so I started reading funny books like Jenny
Lawson’s ‘Furiously Funny’ to help quiet the evil brain part so that the happy
part would get some exercise by laughing. It’s pretty flabby but Jenny’s book
and some others are getting it used to being happy again. (It will never be a
model but I might be able to get it so it won’t be embarrassed to wear shorts.
A swimsuit is just too much to ask for.) The books helped distract me (a
somewhat easy thing to do) and I decided that maybe just like Jenny I could
write a blog (only it would never be as good or as funny ‘cause she’s got talent
that’s way beyond mine, google her and go to her blog... you’ll see) and it
would help me work thru all the depression since I no longer have a therapist.
It’s kinda worked but evil brain (I REALLY need a cool name
for it ... how about ... hmmm ... I swear the thing is fighting me about the
name thing ... so I’m going to call it Pinky-Brain after my fav cartoon ‘cause
it’s stupid and evil and it better not give me any trouble over it either), So
Pinky-Brain is still lurking with all it’s evil thoughts in the back of my mind
like dark shadows (not the TV show ‘cause I do kinda like it) just waiting to
cover over any good stuff so there’s nothing but depression. But maybe, just
maybe, with the help of this blog I can keep it busy thinking about what to
write next so it won’t go back to the s-word.
This isn’t the first time I’ve considered it but it was the
best organized ‘cause I try to be organized but with a husband who loses
everything it’s seldom easy. Loses stuff and is a quick-tempered grumpy pain,
amazing we’ve been married so long. Guess loves got to do with it...
