I'm still around....

 

Yeah, I'm still around it's just I'm not in the mood for writing. I'm fighting a hard battle with depression and it's been winning since my last post. I have so many notes of things I was planning on writing about but my brain just seems to freeze up when confronted with turning them into a post. I'm having the same problem with some book reveiws I promised to do. I loved the books but I just can't seem to put any words down.

My life is changing and I'm not really happy with what's going on so maybe that's what's blocking my writing muse. I have to realize it's happening whether I really want it to or not so I'm just going to have to accept it and deal so this quote is so me right now.

Spring has come and with it thoughts of ...

 

Here's the reason I haven't been posting or even doing much other than playing games at Facebook. More on that later.

You say why are you depressed when it's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and stuffs growing and blooming? Thank you for being so kind to ask :) My answer is because we've had the rainiest, muddiest, dark and dreariest winter ever

Seeing the few daffodils, crocus, and other spring flowers blooming that didn't get damaged by the few days of extreme cold and snowy weather or the really heavy rains we had AFTER stuff was already starting to bloom (thanks bitch Mother Nature!) just isn't helping. Though the cute mini dafs I found yesterday did help a little.

It's so wet and soggy that even walking in grass you need rubber boots because you sink a bit. I have 2 knee high pair and they are the best things I've bought because they keep me from slipping and falling. It's like in most places the grass is almost floating above the mud underneath. All it takes is losing your balance and you find yourself sliding in mud as the grass moves with you. A friend of a friend (yes really, my cousin had it posted on her facebook feed) slid into her car and is now in a boot cast. Personally I've fallen 5 times when I stupidly didn't have my rubber boots in. You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the second time don't you? I've always been that person who always gets hurt someway, usually tripping, sliding out of sandals or clogs, tripping in high heels, or just bumping into things. I learned early when going into a store to keep track of my purse so it doesn't knock things off shelves. And I learned the hard way to be careful at outdoor craft shows because it's SO easy to trip over ropes and stakes put in the ground to hold up the tents and awnings. After doing this twice I'm so careful I tend to stay in the middle of the paths until I see something I really want to look at. I miss some things but it's really for the best. The next time I trip I just might take out the display when I fall.

Just crossing my front yard, which is pretty flat, can mean sliding and falling. I fell twice out there. You'd think having a wet muddy backside and hands would have taught me a lesson the first time. It took falling on my side so that I was wet and muddy from my face to my feet.The back yard is mostly mud since we had work done (again very stupidly) in the late fall. I'm beyond tired of wiping mud off the dogs when they come in. As for my boots, one pair I keep for the muddy yard and the other pair is for when I go out shopping and it's raining. And it seems to rain every 2 or 3 days.

The dark days are just getting to me and with it come the dark thoughts of the s word. This is the way it was last year when I slid into a depression so heavy I had suicide planned out. Reading isn't helping as much this year. Maybe I just haven't found a series to take my mind of the darkness. So I've retreated back into facebook games. It's gotten so bad I started a fake sign-in so I can play both of the games I like longer.

So if I don't post for a while it's most likely because I'm spending time playing games to keep my mind off just how sad I can get.

Oh no, the peach rings are winning ... but only a little.

In my last post I wrote about trying to give up peach ring candy (doing a little better, yay!) and how I can’t eat when I know I’m going out. I thought I’d post about how I deal with eating, or not, when I know I have to go out. Then there’s just how much I eat when my anxiety level is lower and I know I’m not going out. I eat a lot, way too much. I’ve heard it called self-medicating with food. All I know is my weight keeps going up and my anxiety about it is increasing, too. I’m short (only 5”1”) so I prefer my weight to be at least under 120. I can handle 125 but I’m so far above that. I know my eating is just one more thing that’s out of control.

Isn’t that what causes panic attacks for most of us, that feeling of being out of control of our bodies and surroundings? That our bodies are screwing with us instead of being on our side? All you hear anymore is love yourself and your body no matter what size you are, stop the self-hate. I don’t think “they” know about how those who deal with panic, anxiety, and depression feel about our bodies. Really think about it, it’s not so much our bodies as that evil part of the brain I call The Pinky Brain (go back and read early posts if you don’t get it). It's our brain that seems to hate the rest of the body and loves to mess us up so bad we end up over eating or not eating at all.

So what foods do you eat when you’re dealing with anxiety or with having to go out? Like I’ve said I don’t eat when I’m going out. I will have something when I’m on the way home. And yeah I know there’s that thought in the back of head (damn evil Pink Brain) telling me, “what if you get stuck in traffic, what if there’s an accident, what if the car breaks down, and on and on...”. Well. I’ve gotten a bit better, thanks to the peach rings and iced tea. Sometimes I’ll even have some plain potato chips. Oh I have to admit I know they are too calorie laden but potatoes are my number one comfort food. The DH says it’s my Irish heritage, but whatever. I’ve always wanted them whether I’m feeling good or bad. He says I should just eat dry toast like I did when I was a kid. Hate to admit he’s right so don’t tell him, ok? But we all know that when dealing with panic attacks you HAVE to do what feels right for you and if it’s eating plain waffle chips from Aldis than that’s what I’m going to do.

As for the peach rings I’ve cut down to only having them when I’m out. I keep them in my emergency tote I wrote about last time so NO eating them here at home. Maybe some day I’ll be able to give them up but for now I need them at least sometimes. Same with the chips, but I’m also working on giving up poptarts. I hated them until I watched Gilmore Girls. Thank goodness all the chocolate ones have milk in them or I’d never be able to do it. But I have given up marshmallows in my hot chocolate coffee, so yay for that!

A parting thought, why does our brain become the most evil adversary in our lives and cause all this anxiety and depression? Can we ever beat it and win or is the best we can hope for is a truce?

Resolutions suck but we do them anyway...

It’s a new year and we’re pretty much expected to make at least one resolution. We all know most fail so why put ourselves through something we know we’re pretty much guaranteed to bomb at? Cause it’s a tradition and like celebrating holidays with family who drive us even more crazy we do it.

Since I know I’m just going to give up, I‘m not making one. This year instead of a ‘resolution’ I’m calling it “changing my eating habits slooooowly”. I figure if I can give up one thing and it sticks I’ll move onto another. Hopefully the side effect will be feeling better and losing weight.

That sounds doable to me but it’s going to be really hard since the first thing I’m giving up is something I’m so addicted to. I’m trying to cut out those sweet, sugary, yummy, and so bad for you ... peach rings! They’re candy in case you don’t know what they are, not rings of peach fruit, though I find those yummy, too. All the same, if they’re in heavy syrup they’re probably almost as bad for you.

Once I realized that even doing a rationing thing wasn’t working I needed to give myself an intervention. I was eating a large bag a week plus if I was out anywhere I’d stop and buy a small one to eat in the car. I mean YIKES! That’s way too much sugar for someone with anxiety and panic attacks, right?

It all started because I can’t eat and go out, it’s an anxiety reaction. My gut just can’t handle food on it if I’m nervous and there’s a chance of panic. I’ve pretty much always had this problem. As a teen I’d have dry toast if I had to have something on my tum (so embarrassing to hear it grumble otherwise). I seldom wanted to eat out (I don’t at all now, but that has to do with being lactose intolerant too) and going out in the evening meant eating in the morning as early as I could stomach it (I’m not a morning person and food in the morning just doesn’t work for me). I’d only have soda or water the rest of the day. Yes, I did glom food when I got home. Pretty much still do the same thing.

I started getting a little better in my early 20’s when I actually had a job and before I had the next bout of agoraphobia that I just can’t overcome. With the way I ate most people wanted to know what diet I was on (I did look great) but how do you say ‘I’m on the I can’t eat much cause if I get nervous there’s a chance I’ll throw up’ diet without having to explain I wasn’t bulimic just really stressed without people thinking I was weirder than they already did?

So anyway, when I’d go out I used to take gingerale and lifesavers to cut stomach acid but switched over to water and whatever candy I had on hand or appealed to me at the store. Since I’ve always loved gummy anything I worked my way thru jelly bellies, Sunkist gems, gum drops, bears, worms, berries, fruit slices, sharks (!), and the basic Swedish fish. Then I found the peach rings and for some weird reason I loved them best. The DH doesn’t get it. He thinks they are awful but then he’s addicted to chocolate and doesn’t like many sugar type candies. I used eat a lot of chocolate till I became lactose intolerant. With good dairy-free chocolate costing as much as 3 or more of the large bags of my beloved rings I seldom splurge on it. You’d think I’ll just trade peach rings for the expensive chocolate, huh? Chocolate won’t work for settling my stomach.

I’m adding this cause I’m thinking you may be wondering why eating sugar helps me cope. Well, it’s because since I don’t eat before I go out the sugar helps keep headaches and body aches away. The water helps thin out stomach acid from anxiety a lot better for me than any soda ever did though I will buy iced tea to drink when I’m out shopping. It’s what I plan on using to replace the candy. It should have enough sugar for a bit of energy and to keep the aches away.

I’ll add it to my “must have with me just in case” tote bag. I carry this tote whenever I go out ‘cause it holds stuff I’ll probably never need but it makes me feel more prepared to deal with panic attacks. First in goes what ever I’ll be drinking and up to now my peach rings (sob). I also have to have lots of kleenix, a wet wash cloth, hand lotion, nail files, an extra make-up kit, sun and reading glasses (in case what I’m wearing breaks), hat and gloves appropriate for the weather, pens, pencils, a tablet, sometimes a book if I’m worried I may get stuck somewhere, an extra sweater or even a coat if I’m worried about how the weather is, and lastly I’ll carry other extra pieces of clothing and shoes if I’m going somewhere I could get dirty or wet (or at least think I will) It’s not like I’d do this for basic shopping trips but there was that time I ended up in an icy puddle downtown after slipping off the curb. I wished I had extra clothes then. I’m very attached to this tote bag. I’d say even more than the reason for this post, the peach rings!

So you may be wondering why I’m giving up something that does help me cope with my anxiety, it’s because they’re making me fat. Oh, it’s not just them but I thought I’d start somewhere and since I’m not a big soda drinker (seltzer yes, soda seldom) the candy was it. I’ll let you know how I’m doing and whether the fruit flavored tea I’m using as a substitute has worked. BTW, I started writing this at the beginning of the month and I broke down and bought a small bag last weekend. At least I was able to walk past the bags that I swear where calling to me yesterday when I was grocery shopping.

Depression has set in... So let the games begin!

If you’ve seen my last 2 posts you know I was a fan of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. These were 2 very talented and funny women. Of course I connected with Carrie because of our crazies. As for Debbie she was someone my Mom loved to watch in old movies on TV with me when I was a kid. Her passing made me realize I could lose my Mom, too. She’s fighting the flu right now and with her COP breathing probs we’re all hoping she doesn’t come down with pneumonia and end up in the hospital like she did 2 years ago.

So it’s not just the shock and sadness that Carrie and Debbie’s passing brings, it’s the reminder of family and friends who are also gone, and of those who are of an age that puts them closer to leaving for good. I don’t have the biggest family and because of my years of agoraphobia the cousins I was so close to up to my late teens (when I was housebound yet again) just aren’t in my life much. That’s really a huge problem with being agoraphobic, everyone moves on with their lives while you sit (lay?) around feeling even more upset as family and friends leave you behind while they live their lives. You know I have some male cousins I hadn’t seen since they were little kids (I was a teen) and didn’t recognize them 10 years later when I saw them during one of my less housebound times. It’s so weird and sad at the same time.

I was so ready to do the suicide thing last summer and take my chance on what would happen next but I’m now so glad I shook myself out of the deep depression I was in. My Mom and I are as close as Carrie and Debbie and if that tragedy could happen to them, it certainly could have happened to us. It would have devastated the rest of the family so no more serious thoughts of suicide. No matter how depressed I get I’ll work harder to stay more present. Even if it takes playing games online and not doing much else until I feel better. Guess writing will be on the back burner. I know we’re told writing out your thoughts and feelings are good for you as a way to express it all but I just can’t do that everyday. I get depressed putting how sad I feel into words and it makes it all worse.

I have been hanging out daily at Facebook, not reading my feed but playing Cookie Jam and The Panic Room. They’re my 2 favs right now. I play a few others but not everyday. With all the game friends I’ve added I can play Cookie Jam for hours without running out of lives. Once this is posted I’m heading over there. Who knows maybe you’re one of my game friends! If I’m no good at making new friends around here I’ll take online ones anyday.