... and the sadness continues to spread

I have no more words .....

Will Miss This Talented, Funny Women

Carrie Fisher, your fans will miss you.

May you find peace.

How do you Deal With Life When Depression is Such a Big Part of it?

I took the entire month of Nov. off from writing anything. Between the depression I was already struggling with and all the extreme negative political ads and hate going around I just wanted to crawl under the covers and read away my anxiety. With Christmas and New Years coming it’s not getting any better.

I did put out some wreaths and a few other decorations but I’m not in any festive mood. Today I forced myself to get out some indoor decoration. I did enjoy seeing some of my fav decs. I don’t put up a tree until a few days before Christmas or even Christmas eve. I think if I lived alone I wouldn’t bother with any decorations, especially a tree. I hate more than anything the hassle of getting it all out and then putting it all away. And it’s not like I decorate every surface or put stuff in every room, it’s just a reminder of how much stress the holidays cause. It’s also a reminder of how I don’t have many friends (too many years housebound), how many family members are gone (of parents only my Mom is alive), and the stress of shopping in CROWDS (not good for someone with agoraphobic tendencies).

So with stress eating, reading, and gaming more than I should I’m not doing real good. I really hope you all are doing better! Try to relax and if stress is getting too much, do like I do... retreat into a book to feel like you are someone or at least somewhere else.  Try playing some online games but only if that doesn’t cause more stress. I gave up some of my games cause that’s what was happening.

Sorry there’s no Alice graphics this post I just can’t get into it this time. Hope you liked the book one. I found it on Pinterest. I printed a bunch of book and anxiety type graphics on plastic and shrunk them in my oven to make charms. They hang on my purse so I have something to grab onto when I'm out and feeling overwhelmed by crowds. 

All I can say is try to find something you really like to do that keeps your mind occupied and won't hurt you or anyone else to help you get thru all the anxiety and depression this time of year causes. Let's all look forward to a calmer time after the holidays.

Depression and Games

What do you do when depression hits? Do you do anything to keep busy or do you prefer to stay in bed? Do you veg out watching TV? Do excessive cleaning or exercise? It’s odd isn’t it that for some people all they want to do is retreat by sleeping while others turn to TV, their computer, phone, or books to avoid having to think about how they feel. They’re too tired for anything but laying or sitting around. Then there are the others who need to be so busy they do weird things like scrub window blinds with a toothbrush (use an old one, you don’t want to use one that someone is using, unless you really dislike that person, but don’t blame me if they find out).

Yeah I’ve really done this, the cleaning part not the using someone’s toothbrush to be mean. In fact I’ve had my depression hit me all these ways and more. Lately though it’s been getting lost in books or my huge time waster but mind occupier, playing online games. I’m finding anxiety and depression drive me to play online games more and more. It doesn’t matter where I play either. I’ve spent time at HSN’s arcade, MSN’s games, Yahoo, Facebook, and even Dollar Tree’s games just to name a few places.

Now you know why I don’t post as often as I thought I would. I have plenty of things to write about but games like Cookie Jam seem like they call to me. I’ll think that I’ll only stay on until I lose all my lives (which is why I never sign up for friends to play with, it would only lead to asking for lives and wasting more time playing) but then I’ll hit some levels that are easy for me and the next thing I know is it’s been 3 hours and the dogs are giving me the stink eye about needing to go out and why are you looking at the stupid screen when you could be letting us in and out and giving us dog cookies.

A few nights ago I knew it was getting out of control when I realized I had played one level of Candy Saga for over 2 hours (I also scored over 17 million points but that’s beside the point of this). It was daylight when I began and now it was dark. The prob with this is that I had some clothes hanging outside that I hand washed earlier in the day. It was a weirdly warm sunny day for fall so I thought, Yay! I can hang them outside instead of letting them dry in the laundry room. Nothin’ like going out in the dark to take down laundry, bet the neighbors loved that.

So what to do this with addiction, cause that’s what it is. I’ve been seeing so many news/health stories about people who are addicted to their phones. I’d like to know how many of us are addicted to games. For me it helps with anxiety but I know with other people playing games increases their anxiety level. Guess it depends on the game and your personality. I’m not a competitive person and tend to play match 3 games. They can be good for drawing you in without causing a lot of stress unless you’re the type to stress over not being able to move to the next level. I kinda go with the flow of playing but after reading posts on Cookie Jam’s FB page I know there are a lot of people out there who are extreme about it.

Ok back to the question if what to do about my newest addiction ... I have no idea. I’ll think about it after I play a few levels of Cookie Jam, or maybe Candy Crush Saga, or Mahjong Dimensions, or something else...

If You Love Jenny ...

Ok, this is a really quick post. Yeah I know that seems wrong when it comes to me and my writing. I'm listening to a pod cast of Jenny Lawson on The League of Awkward Unicorns! It's really good so click on this link and listen while you're playing games online. Come on, admit it, I know you do it 'cause that's what I do, too.

Here's the link:
http://leagueofawkwardunicorns.com/episodes/episode-18-nobody-wants-bloodsports-in-their-home-with-jenny-lawson/

She's got a new book out, too. This one is for all of you who love to color. It's a great way to deal with anxiety. If you aren't a crafter try coloring to trick your mind into calming down ( if you have any mental problems you know it's always trying to trick you so get even with it). I'm not putting a link since I don't know if you shop at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or local but go to her blog and find out more about it!
http://thebloggess.com

Just in case you didn't know I'm a big fan of hers and own her other books and will get this one too even though I don't color.

I'll get back to Alice quotes next post. I just had to share this :)

Blue Ain’t Just a Color...

I’m feeling blue... not the color blue, ‘cause then I’d be happy since it’s one of my fav colors. Maybe it’s more like sad or melancholy. Why you ask (you’re such a nice person I just know you’d wonder what’s wrong)?

It’s because I just read a book call ‘Voracious’ by Cara Nicoletti. Don’t get me wrong, the book is really good and I liked it a lot. It’s just that as I read my way thru the chapters about books she read as a child and the recipes they inspired it brought back memories of  how my parents were of the opinion that school was for learning how to read so why should they teach me. All that ended up doing was to teach me what it was to be embarrassed at a very early age and increase the panic attacks I had since I was a toddler. Yeah, I know that seems pretty early to say I was having severe panic but it’s true.

Once I did learn to read and had read every book in my classroom library (every class had their own shelves of books deemed correct for that grade) 3 or more times, my parents didn’t think to take me to the town library for more books to read. When I reached 2^nd grade the teacher decided to make getting a library card a homework assignment. I still remember my Dad taking me and having to lift me up because I was so short and the counter was so high. But the memory is bittersweet though ‘cause even though I now had something that I truly treasured I didn’t get to use it until much later.

I still can’t understand why these two people who read newspapers (sometimes 2 a day) and subscribed to a wide variety of magazines (usually 6-8) were so unsettled by the library they avoided it. I asked my Mom about it and got the impression it was the multitude of books and not knowing where to start. She also seemed to feel that she just wouldn’t fit in. For a fairly smart person with a great memory she has no confidence. As for Dad he always said the reading room where the newspapers and magazines were kept was too crowded. Truth is it usually was.

When I reached 7^th grade and was walking to town by myself I started going to the library, too. Soon I was calling for a ride home because the stack of books I checked out was so large. Dad and I developed a system of when he had errands around town, I’d go along to go the library and stay there till he came in and got me. To this day I love to go to any of the local libraries. Even after reading an e-book I’ll often look for the printed version at one of the libraries.

Whoa, I really got off track. Now the reason this book (Voracious) made me blue was because I never got to read some of the books she writes about as a kid. I tend to get very upset I never read Winnie the Pooh as a child. Think it’s really weird the school didn’t have it and it’s not in Cara’s book .  Anne of Green Gables and the Little House on the Prairies weren’t in the school library either and that’s really surprising too. Some of her favs I did read in school but it still makes me sad I missed so many good books back then.

One happy memory I do have was when my parents bought me Dr. Seuss books, the Bobbsey Twins (which only made me want a twin so much I made up one and called her Suzie. My parents thought this was hilarious), and a lot of others. But I’m still sad for all the ones I didn’t have as a child and reading them as an adult hasn’t helped this feeling go away.

I’m jealous of people like Cara who talk about going home as an adult to find their childhood books either still on shelves or packed away where they can get them. My Mom knowing that we were a bit better off than other family members was a big believer that when you out grew anything (clothes, toys, and books) you gave it away to someone who could use it. When I got married and she saw my husband still had many of his childhood books she apologized for giving mine away knowing I would have cherished them. It was nice but it didn’t fill the hole they left. I guess if I had a kid I would have bought all the books I loved and lots of new ones but I don’t so I didn’t.

I’m also jealous of kids whose parents read them to sleep. My Mom was more the “I’ll sing a song or we’ll recite nursery rhymes” type. She didn’t have the patience to read me to sleep. She knew a book would only keep me awake as I would want just one more chapter, then another, and another. Just like now when I’ll end up reading all night or until J. comes out and grumbles at me for still being up. This is why even though I love regular books my Nook comes in handy. With the light up screen I can read in the dark and if I hear him getting up I just put the nook face down and hope he thinks I fell asleep in the living room because I was too sick to come to bed (I have a lot of stomach distress). Crap, I’m an adult and I’m still acting like a kid with a flashlight under the covers. Wonder how old you have to be to stop feeling guilty about staying up reading when you should be in bed?

Just a few of my books. BTW, they're 2 deep on the shelves and there's more shelves with more books. Gotta stop going to library book sales.

Doe a deer, a female deer... ok you know the rest

Ok, this is now two posts in a row that I’m writing about the wildlife in my backyard. I’ve been a bit fixated on what’s happening in the backyard with all the birds, squirrels, and other critter types. It’s something I can stare at and it helps calm me, kinda like meditating without having to find someplace quiet, which just doesn’t happen around here unless the mad spaniel is out with the DH. This week it’s about the solitary doe who’s been roaming my suburb neighborhood. I kinda feel bad for her being so alone (I can relate) but she seems to like our furry kids so maybe she’s made friends with others, too.

She appears to be fascinated with the mad spaniel. Last week Penny was racing back and forth along one side of the chain link fence and the doe, I call her Betty was watching. The name Betty is probably because the local PBS has been running Simon and Garfunkel’s concert in Central Park all summer. Something else that can calm me until all that pledge stuff starts. I’m like all calm and drowsy and the next think you know there’s someone hawking cds and asking for money, so thanks PBS for never running it without pledge breaks. The name Betty is from that Paul Simon song, You can call me Al, which has been stuck in my head and is making it crazier (which isn’t something good). I know... now I passed on the song worm ...  you’re welcome.

So Betty slowly walks over to the fence staring at the mad spaniel like she’s the most interesting thing around. Maybe to a deer she was or maybe she just couldn’t believe how insane this dog must be to zoom back and forth and not bark. I came outside with Matty and she still just stood there staring at all of us. The next day the DH was by the shed in the backyard when he looked over at the compost pile and there was Betty not more than a yard away from him going thru the corn husks I tossed there the night before. She’s way too tame.

It’s not just Penny and the DH that Betty gets up close with. I’ve actually seen her touch noses with the cat, weird huh?! Made me wish I had a cell phone on me to get a quick pic. I don’t cause I hate all phones (not kidding, I really do and it’s not because of all the annoying sales calls and robo calls, well maybe a little it is). Matty doesn’t seem to be interested in her at all. He stares but it’s like , hey it’s no big deal it’s just some weird huge dog thing.

Betty’s looking a whole lot healthier now than when she first showed up back in the spring. Guess living off my garden and probably every other one in the area has helped fatten her up. I find odd that she eats the bean leaves and vines but doesn’t seem to touch the ones with the green beans hanging from them. She does eat my pepper plants, even the hot ones.

  The DHand I have a bet on if she will stick around this winter. I say if she keeps walking down the road a car will come around the blind corner by our yard and we’ll find one very dead deer on the hillside. He thinks she’ll end up in some one’s freezer because we live on the border of a township that allows hunting. But maybe she’ll take notice that hunting season is approaching (and it ain’t Elmer Fudd hunting wabbits she has to worry about) and she’ll stay on our side of the township line and find herself a nice buck because I really don’t think Andy is her type.

A groundhog named Jill ... or maybe Jack

Here’s a short funny story. Oh, I know I do tend to write very long posts but this one is short, promise. At least it is for me.

I was out feeding the birds and refilling the birdbaths (gotta keep clean water in them to keep away the mosquitoes!). After doing the water I walked back to the house not realizing I forgot the small bucket I use to hold the containers of birdseed. Later I went over to look at the plants growing around one of the birdbaths and found the seed containers. Thinking it’s just one of those days when I’m way too lost in thought I took them back to the place where they should be, only to find the bucket wasn’t there either.

Worried some kid playing on the wooded lot behind our house may have taken it. It’s not hard to think that way since we’ve had a wire dog crate, rake, shovel, wood, and containers go missing, and then there’s the window broken in a truck we used to have. The lot’s big enough for paintball and kids from all over (yeah even ones who drive) used to play back there. But that’s not at all what happened to the little green bucket.

So I toodled back over and spotted the small groundhog that’s lives under our big shed duck under some stacked wood near by. That’s when I got the idea of maybe, just maybe, it could have taken it. Bending down and looking thru my legs (and VERY glad no one saw me) I spotted the bucket under the shed but not at the edge like I could have kicked it there. Oh, no, it was in almost the center!

Heading back to the house I started calling for the DH because I knew if I just got it out and then told him about our Jack or Jill he’d never believe me. He still didn’t want to believe I didn’t set it up that way ‘cause it’s just too weird, right? Lucky for me he recently bought a long handled tree trimmer with a hook on the end. It was just long enough to catch the handle of the bucket.

So I’m happy to get my bucket back but I can’t help but wonder just what did the groundhog have planned to do with it? hmmmm.......

So I went to beauty school ...

Yeah, I did go to a local beauty school during a time when my agoraphobia wasn’t so bad and managed to graduate. It wasn’t easy since my panic attacks kicked back in towards the end of getting all the hours I needed. Guess you’d say I was a medium functioning agoraphobic at the time. Me, I’d say I was a high school drop-out looking for something to do with my life because the local school district didn’t offer home schooling for years 11 & 12 (I was home schooled from 8 - 10) and my parents weren’t the types to fight the board about it. I love my parents but they were always wusses when it came to dealing with anything like that. But, I’m SO lucky ‘cause no matter how screwed up I got (& still am) they were always there for me and my Mom still is.

Bet you’re wondering just how did I manage to go to beauty school but not to regular school? If not just skip this part, go ahead I won’t get mad. I truly believed there would be less bitchiness going to school with older women than being in high school with all the queens of mean. Little did I know just how bad females of any age can be. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of really nice people but there were also those few that are never happy unless they can be the center of attention and if that means being mean then that’s what they’ll be. I spent more than a few days in the bathroom in tears but I managed to stick it out ‘cause it was never as bad as high school.

Ok, back to the reason I’m writing about beauty school, and no I never did get my license because I became completely housebound after graduating. It was that evil yet scared part of my brain realizing I’d have to travel a lot further than I was used to and have to take a LOT of tests in a place I’d never been to. I’m not good with places I don’t know. Rotten bitch brain just went all idiotic thinking she was saving me but just messed up my life even more. Guess Pinky-Brain decided after putting in almost 2 years at school with only minor anxiety why not start having major crazy panic attacks again. For the next year the only time I went out was when The DBF (that's darling boyfriend in case you didn't know and BTW he now is the DH!) came home from the Navy and when my Mom threatened no letters or phone calls from him if I didn’t go to church with her.

I know I’m back off track again. I’m bringing up beauty school because I cut and color my own hair. I honestly don’t trust anyone else to do it. The few times I went to a salon I ended up very (no that’s not strong enough) extremely unhappy. I even left one place in tears. Take for instance the time I wanted the Meg Ryan cut. You know the one from the 1990’s, it’s sometimes called a Mom cut now, but it’s still cute. The DH keeps asking me to get it again (hmmm... do you think he may have a secret crush on Meg?) but since I have a hard time cutting the back of my hair that short I won’t, plus I really like my French braids. Anyway, the girl used hair wax for the first time and really got carried away with it. Since it was in the 90’s outside the salon I’m sure you can imagine my slowly drooping hair. Plus it took me 3 days to get it all washed out. Then there was the time I went to a salon that took drop-ins (I’m not good with appointments, way too much stress). The woman did a decent cut but since she was also doing another customer with a perm she just handed me a blow dryer and brush and said, “ Well you know how you want it”. Another stylist realized what was going on when she finished her customer and insisted on taking over. No wonder the shop went out of business if they pulled that kind of shit. Then there were the stylists who looked at the pictures I took in (I always took a lot of pics just so they’d know exactly what I wanted) and they still gave me a different and much shorter haircut. I’m truly surprised we’re not a world of long haired women wearing our hair in buns and braids.

... and here I go again. I just thought you needed some back story ... no? ... sorry, but it does explain why I do my own hair, it’s not just the panic attacks. This time I promise to get on with the reason for this post. The really real reason I’m writing about hair is because I recently colored my hair and even though I knew, I really did know there was a very good chance it would happen, my pale blonde hair picked up the orangey gold base color of the dye. Yeah, I ended up with Trump orange hair. Not a look I wanted so I washed my hair with the strongest shampoo we had and it softened the color a bit but now it was a peachy color (you know the fake peach shade not the real peach fruit color... that would be even worse). I knew I had to wait at least 6 -7 days before I could either re-color or do a peroxide shampoo in hope of removing some more of the color without damaging my hair further. After 3 days of ignoring mirrors unless the room was a bit dark the DH let me know it wasn’t orange or even peach anymore. Guess the shampoo did the trick but talk about panic attacks! I don’t take any meds for them but I do tend to self medicate with food. I gained 3 pounds in 3 days over it.

 

I still don’t like the color but instead of trying to color over it I’m just living in French braids. I did stop wearing a hat outside to hide it. It’s a true light blonde with slight golden highlights now but I won’t be playing with that color again. I know with so many fun hair colors on the market my hair wouldn’t have been seen as that bad but I’m not one to try to attract attention. Even peach hair was too much for me and gave me panic attacks. Should I tell you about the time when I was in beauty school the hair color teacher turned my bleached hair pink, purple, blue, green, and peach in various sections from hair dye? No? Yeah I’m having heart palpations just remembering it because then it all started breaking off, so let’s just say bye for now I’m heading to my bathroom closet to make sure I have the right shade of hair color for my next dye job.

Hey, you don’t have tell Me I’m late posting!

OK, I know I need to apologize for not posting for so many weeks. Sorry, sorry, sorry (hope that’s enough, ‘cause groveling is hard on the knees). When I first started this blog I planned on posting at least once a week but I got off schedule when my husband took time off from work after some surgery. In case you’re wondering, which is so nice of you, he’s fine and finally back to work (YAY!!!!!!).

I found some of you were a bit (ok more than a bit, so thank you for caring) worried after my post on the s-word. Especially since I don’t have comments set up here and I seldom check the email that goes with this blog. Some of you were clever enough to figure it out so again thank you for sending all the caring and love. Now a graphic of hearts and flowers and kissing squirrels just for you ‘cause you all were so sweet.

No ‘hope you did it’ or ‘you suck, so do it’ crap from you sweet people. Thank you again. It’s nice to know not everyone out here is a big mean troll.

Now back to the time sucking husband and why it’s been way too long since my last post. Every time I thought of something to write about I’d head for pen & paper. Why you ask, because I couldn’t get to my computer. Before I even had a chance to write he’d be yelling for me to come see something on TV or on the computer. He has his own laptop but always seems to be on my desktop when I’d like to use it. Why? Because he’s a big pain in the ass computer hog and will even have both going at the same time.

He’s really bad about wanting me to see some actors on old TV shows in hope that I’d remember them. It makes me even more insane (and I really can’t afford to get much more). Since I’ve spent a lot of time housebound I’ve watched a lot of TV, especially old shows and movies. I LOVE old movies from the 1930’s, especially Joan Blondell and Barbara Stanwick movies! So since I’m the designated authority (guess it’s nice to be the know-it-all about something around here) on TV and movies I MUST come when called and I MUST help figure out who the actor is and what else the DH may have seen him in. He only resorts to looking them up on the computer if I can’t figure it out first or if he wants to know more about them. He also likes to play a game called ‘Who do they remind you of?’ which also can add to my craziness. That game also applies to people we see when we are out together. That may explain why I prefer to shop by myself ... hmmmm

So you ask, didn’t he ever go out? So why not write then. My, you are inquisitive! Because when he went out I used that time for cleaning and doing other stuff around here. Now you want to know why not do that when he’s at home? Do you really want to know or are you just being polite? Because it’s a bitch dusting and vacing with someone giving (un-) helpful tips. Like, why are you doing it that way? Wouldn’t it be easier to do my way (meaning him of course)? Because we all know the DH is mister know-it-all about everything (but TV and movies) so his way has to be better than the way I’ve been cleaning since I was a kid (‘cause my Mom hated to clean so she got me to start doing it as soon as I could drag a canister vac around and spray the pledge).

Whew I didn’t realize I had so much pent it anger about it . . . . . . . . . . . . . this is me slowly breathing in and out trying to calm down and DH don’t tell me I’m doing it wrong. I’ve just about had enough with being bossed around. Like I told him, you’re not my parents and since my Dad is gone only my Mom gets to and he looks nothing like her (thank goodness, how creepy would that be.... shudder) even though he used to put on shoes she left at the back door when he came to visit when we were still dating. It wasn’t anything weird like putting on heels, but yeah it’s weird him wearing her shoes. What it was all about was that he’d have his own tie shoes off, need to go out to his car, and it was easier to slide on her slip-on shoes than tie on his. I know it’s still weird.

I just realized I got totally grumpy at you for nothing at all. I’m going to have to apologize again but this time I have to skip the knee bit since I now have a cat on my lap. So here it goes, I made this graphic because I know it’s just want Andy here wants to say!

Andy's actually laying in the dog's bed (which they hate but won't make him move because their noses know just how dangerous cat nails are). I would never make him stand up and pose like that .... unless he really wanted to....  wonder if there are any cat treats around here?

Holidays or Helldays?

Want to know just how much I hate seeing a holiday coming up on the calendar? More than the idiots who get pets even though they live in rentals knowing there’s a possibility they’ll move to a place that won’t allow pets. So what do they do? They just drop them off at a local shelter or worse leave them in the empty house to starve. I only hope there’s a special place in hell for them, not special as in good but special as in being put in small animal crates to be ignored for all eternity unless someone wants to beat them.

Ok ... I’m fine ... I just needed to vent after seeing yet another story on the local news about some f-in’ idiot moving and leaving their large amount of pets behind. A few weeks ago it was horses. What the hell is wrong with these people? The fines aren’t large enough. They should go to jail and become someone’s “new friend”.

Gee, this post has really gotten off subject but what can I say ... I prefer animals to people. And I really prefer to spend my time with my pets rather than having to celebrate any and all holidays. My dogs and cat may be a bit peculiar but they cause less stress than when a holiday comes around.

Summer is not too bad, we pretty much beg off all picnics due to heat or my food issues. The DH will sometimes go to one of his friend’s picnics with out me. That’s ok since I don’t really know most of these people and they’re always further than I can travel anyway (yay!). He’ll also use that excuse to not go saying he doesn’t want to leave me alone. Yeah right, he knows I love to have the house and my old computer to myself. He has a newish laptop but always seems to be using my ancient desk top (all the while complaining how slow it is).

The worst time of year is right after Halloween. That’s when my Mom starts planning what we’re doing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She lives with my brother and she often wants everyone to come here due to my travel problems. The stress of having so many people over gets to me so much I always end up sick so last year I decided to go their place for Christmas. It’s slightly out of my comfort zone but I had been there twice before (I know that’s pretty sad, huh?). I did a lot of visualizing and worked on my breathing, planned a few stops along the way to walk off the anxiety, and ta-da we made it. You want to know something really weird? I can’t remember most of the way there so I can’t drive myself. Do you think its Pinkybrain blocking it all so I won’t have to deal with it on my own? I’ve told you what an evil thing that part of my brain can be. Ooooo... maybe it’s not Pinkybrain maybe it’s the other good side trying to save me from all the stress.

Holidays used to be a lot more stressful. There was a time when we were first married that he’d go to his parents and I’d go to mine for any holidays. It was just easier since his Mom was pretty much a pain about wanting to celebrate at her house. We’d get a reprieve when one set would get an invite to go somewhere. The DH is an only child so his parents (his Mom) couldn’t (wouldn’t?) understand why we didn’t spend all the holidays with them. We finally grew some backbones (balls?) the second year of our marriage and divided up the holidays, switching the parents the next year. New Years and Valentines were for just us but his Mom had a habit of showing up on New Year’s Day even without her husband. Easter was at our place and all were invited. It took 4 years before the DH told her (after listening to her complain yet again) that if she’d invite my parents we’d all be at her place. Crazy that it took so long for her to go along with this and deal with her problem with my Mom. In case you’re wondering what she held against her, it was that she’s fat. I’m not going to say curvy cause that's how she describes herself.

The DH's parents are both gone (and my Dad, all 3 way too young) but I still get anxious and ready to become a hermit whenever any holiday that seems like I HAVE to celebrate comes along. Whether it’s just cooking or dragging out decorations I’m expected to put up by myself because his highness wants everything festive (just don’t expect him to put anything up or take it all down later) it all seems like too much aggravation.

So if any of you out there are planning on getting married think about the hassle of holidays now. Will you live close to both sets of parents, do your soon to be in-laws like you (we’ve all heard the horror stories about when they don’t, mine only kinda liked me), and would they all be willing to come to your place ? The DH’s Mom made us feel like we weren’t very good cooks but we both are (and she started making many of the things we made after tasting them). Think about it and sort it all out now. You need to know if you’re both ready to side with each other over your parents. I promise, it will make married life easier if you do. Of course you could always move far enough away so you don’t have to celebrate with them, unless ........ (insert sinister music here) they come to STAY with you. Bwaa ha ha ha.

Let's Talk about the S-Word...

Do you ever want to just give up? I do every time my husband gets frustrated and angry. Whether it’s something I did, didn’t do (but he thinks I should have, even if he never said, “Hey could you do this?”), or something someone else did, he’ll get really pissy about it. Doesn’t matter if I had nothing to do with it, all the snapping comes right at me. So what do I do? I actually feel guilty about it like it’s my fault the weather’s crap, or the car needs gas (oh, wait that is my fault but I always have a good excuse like I’m only going out to do grocery shopping not going all over the place so why should I have to pay for the gas?) or some other stupid thing I can’t control but feel guilty that I can’t. I think I have a complex because I’m not a witch with real magic. A side effect from all the fantasy and urban fantasy books I’ve read I guess.

That’s when the dark part of my brain kicks in. Isn’t it really awful there’s a part of the brain where it’s all dark and depressing and there are scary things lurking like fear, anxiety, and suicide? It’s been talking a whole lot this past year since the DH’s been extra grumpy about everything.

After a particularly bad fight about my agoraphobia and depression, (he comes from a family of ‘just do it’ types so he has a really hard time understanding my lack of energy) my stupid brain kicks in and starts with we could leave and I’m all well where would we go ‘cause I don’t have anyone I could ask to take me in or money to get a hotel room besides I still do love the jerk even when I wish I could rip his vocal cords out. With this agoraphobia it’s not like I can even work and SS isn’t all that easy to get (I’ve tried). By now I’m so depressed I just want to crawl in the closet but can’t because they’re all too full and I have some claustrophobia anyway. So then my evil brain says let’s just give up and die. You have a bag of anti-anxiety meds you never took (too many side effects but that won’t matter now). And I’m all yeah that would give him something to really bitch about, leaving him to deal with all my books and stuff.

And that’s the real reason I started this blog... to let go of the S-word.

In February I was extremely depressed, barely coping, and the DH was in such a bitchy mood ‘cause the world was conspiring against him (at least that’s what it sounded like to me the way he was complaining about every little thing). After a week of him barely being civil I just started sinking further and further into that darkness that comes from the evil part of my brain. I began to think the S-word sounded pretty good. I started planning it all out for the summer solstice (oh yeah I love drama), checked to make sure I had a LOT of pills (and I do), and started making lists of stuff to sell on Etsy and Ebay (I’m still not sure why I was doing that since I thought it would be one last thing of me being a pain in his ass by leaving all my stuff for him to deal with). Next came letters I knew I’d have to leave. I had to make what family I do have understand ‘cause I know from experience that not knowing why is way beyond awful.

So why didn’t I do it? Well lucky for me with my depression it all seemed like too much work so I started reading funny books like Jenny Lawson’s ‘Furiously Funny’ to help quiet the evil brain part so that the happy part would get some exercise by laughing. It’s pretty flabby but Jenny’s book and some others are getting it used to being happy again. (It will never be a model but I might be able to get it so it won’t be embarrassed to wear shorts. A swimsuit is just too much to ask for.) The books helped distract me (a somewhat easy thing to do) and I decided that maybe just like Jenny I could write a blog (only it would never be as good or as funny ‘cause she’s got talent that’s way beyond mine, google her and go to her blog... you’ll see) and it would help me work thru all the depression since I no longer have a therapist.

It’s kinda worked but evil brain (I REALLY need a cool name for it ... how about ... hmmm ... I swear the thing is fighting me about the name thing ... so I’m going to call it Pinky-Brain after my fav cartoon ‘cause it’s stupid and evil and it better not give me any trouble over it either), So Pinky-Brain is still lurking with all it’s evil thoughts in the back of my mind like dark shadows (not the TV show ‘cause I do kinda like it) just waiting to cover over any good stuff so there’s nothing but depression. But maybe, just maybe, with the help of this blog I can keep it busy thinking about what to write next so it won’t go back to the s-word.

This isn’t the first time I’ve considered it but it was the best organized ‘cause I try to be organized but with a husband who loses everything it’s seldom easy. Loses stuff and is a quick-tempered grumpy pain, amazing we’ve been married so long. Guess loves got to do with it...

Am I a danger to other drivers? Maybe but blame the flowers not me!

I was out yesterday and while driving I had to keep reminding myself to pay attention (not easy with my brain), that other drivers did not want go school zone slow while I was looking around. Driving is a rough time for me as I’m not the most confident driver, ok make that I’m an anxiety filled driver. I try to keep my mind on where I am and not on what’s going in the fantasy filled part of my brain but it doesn’t always work. I swear the jerk thingy always wants to think about everything but driving. Super scary when you’re driving and all of a sudden you realize you are further down the road than you last remember. Lucky for me (and other drivers) I don’t live in a place that’s extremely busy with cars most of the time. I use the radio to try to pay attention which works until I hate the song that just came on and I HAVE to change the channel and the presets all are against me ‘cause they all have ads or terrible songs or really annoying DJs. Good thing I don’t have a cell, too.

You think cells are distracting? What about all the blooming flowers and trees starting in the spring? Everything outside has been so blah. Talking about the middle of the states to north, not you lucky ones in the deep south that get all panicky over a minor frost and have never seen real snow. Well maybe a dusting but that doesn’t count ‘cause it’s like frost on a bit of steroids.

So anyway, flowers in the spring make me slow down when I’m driving (remember I mentioned it in the first sentence? No? Go ahead and re-read it I’ll wait). It’s like I just gotta see ‘em and let the beauty sink in. It only gets worse as summer arrives with even more splendiferous blooms till little Jacky Frost comes and murders all the pretties.

I’m not a fan of all the non-flowery crap (no offense, just my opinion) that people love to “decorate” their yards with. What makes someone think wood cutout shapes like polka dot fannies are just the best thing to put in a flower bed? I thought about getting a small turtle, or a frog to put next to one of the bird baths but I always talk myself out of it. I worry I’d trip over them or they’d scare the birds. My husband says I don’t need a small ceramic thing to trip over I can do that with just my feet (he’s right, I’m very clumsy but how rude to remind me). The DH says they won’t care about anything else around the bird baths, they’ll just poo on them like they do everything else. Actually he said sh*t but I’m trying for a little class here and he said that’s kind of a losing battle isn’t it? So I just stomped away threatening to buy every turtle, frog, and maybe even garden gnomes at the garden store. He’s still laughing ‘cause he knows I’m too cheap (I say frugle) to buy even one and that garden gnomes freak me out. Gnomeo and Juliet didn’t help. Now we know what they do when we’re not around, creepy...

No matter how pretty the flowers are I spend a lot of time sneezing. Talk about a driving distraction! Nothing like driving when you’re sneezing and I seldom sneeze just once. It’s more like 3 or more times. Damn flowers, why do you have to be so pretty?

So am I a danger on the road? Kinda, maybe ... yeah, but I promise to take my allergy meds and only looky-loo when I’m a passenger so everyone around here will at least be safe from me. Can’t make any guarantees about all the other crazies on the road.

Cats who love toes or why does my cat have a foot fetish?

Little Orphan Andy, also known as the drooling boy, is the third cat I’ve had since I got married. The other 2 have gone to kitty heaven, at least I hope so ‘cause Merlin was one of those cats you have to wonder which way he’d end up.

Lo’ Andy showed up one day after Thanksgiving hiding in the front yard bushes. He barely looked old enough to be weaned so I started putting out bowls of milk and tuna. Soon he decided he had a good thing, what with the people tuna and milk, so he ‘adopted’ us. Yes I looked for his owner just not too hard ‘cause the little guy was already a real member of the family.

Matty, our lab, was very happy to have a new playmate and even learned how to play and not break Andy or get his eyes scratched out. This is very hard to do. I know from experience having had Merlin just miss my eye when playing. I ran around with a black eye and scratch holes at the bottom for a month. He did the same thing to the springer we had at the time, too. And you wonder why I’m not sure he went to kitty heaven. Maybe he didn’t come from there in the first place. He was one of those cats who like to hide, then jump out, and grab your ankles. He also liked to sit on the basement steps so he could reach thru and grab your head. Nothing like claw holes in your scalp that you have to explain to the person who cuts your hair.

But back to Andy and Matty. Matty is a lab who thinks he’s a small dog who should always be on your lap. Andy also likes to lap surf. As soon as one gets up the other takes his place. Nice when it’s cold but sweat inducing otherwise. Andy has another fav thing to do. The little guy loves to snuggle feet.

Here’s a typical night with Andy. I wake up and think it’s the middle of the night so I’ll be able to pee in peace (not that peeing is war ... unless you have a UTI and then it’s like your body’s having a war all on it’s own and you’re invited whether you want to be or not). Ok back to peeing quick and getting back to bed before I wake up so much my brain won’t let me go back to sleep (it's really mean and prefers to be up thinking and stuff instead of letting my body snooze). Problem is Andy has followed me and flops to the floor, purring loud enough to wake anyone not completely deaf or dead. Though, sometimes I wonder if he could wake the dead ‘cause he’s SO loud I can even hear him through the ear plugs I ‘m wearing (I need them because I have a husband who sometimes sounds like he’s trying to wake everyone in the neighborhood). Then it happens ... he flops on my feet and starts rubbing his head on my toes all the while drooling and purring. It doesn’t matter if I have socks on or bare feet as long as he can get to them. Super weird is that it happens most when I’m on the loo.

Did you know that today is Hug Your Cat Day? I didn’t till I looked at a calendar I have from author Sarah Addison Allen (LOVE her books!). It has all these odd days marked like Hug Your Cat day. I can’t wonder why cat owners have to be reminded to hug their cats. Are we supposed to be, oh yeah it’s hug your cat day again. Gee, it’s been a year since I last hugged my cat so I better get on it.

Andy’s here at my feet purring and drooling so after I get a kleenix to wipe off the drool I’ll give him his official hug. So hug your cat and just not one day a year.

Hi and welcome to my corner of madness . . .

Hi, I’m Willow and that’s not really me in that tiny pic to the right. That wistful, sometimes sulky, and always anxiety filled angel girl is how I see the inner me. You see I’m a low functioning agoraphobic with here and there panic attacks, a bit of depression, and I can only travel about 20 minutes from home with minor anxiety. Sucks right?

So here we are and you’ve got to be wondering just what the hell this site is about. Well I guess I’ll enlighten you. I’ve asked myself over and over if anything I have to say is worth sharing. I honestly don’t know but I keep making notes on things I’d like to write about. So I’m gonna have a go at this new version of my blog and maybe it might entertain you as it helps me to write about myself. Kinda like therapy but a whole less expensive.

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Welcome to the newest version of wistful willow. This blog was originally about superstition because at the time (and now) I was feeling very much like a Charlie Brown and that Murphy’s Law (google it if you haven’t ever heard of it) ran my life. When some fellow online ebayers that were wiccan (I’m not but don’t hold that against me) said I should stop putting it out there about my bad luck because I was inviting it in I decided maybe they were right so I deleted it. Shame, ‘cause I did have some interesting stuff that I never saved. I’m kinda a glass half empty person but I’m not that mean and if you came to my house I’d fill your glass full unless you only wanted half a glass... but then I’d worry if it was because my kitchen or the glass wasn’t clean enough or the drink tasted awful or maybe it was ... me. That I’m such a mess who’d want a full glass of anything from me, which is why I don’t entertain. I know I’m off track (get used to it).

Next I turned it into a place to share my Paint Shop Pro creations like frames and templates. I was truly addicted to it. I’d get up in the middle of the night to work on tutorials the groups I belonged to share. It was the kind of things we’d send to the group, look at, ooh  & ahh, and then do nothing else with them. I spent a lot of my time making graphics that were of no use but were nice to look at. Thank goodness I finally burnt out on it so I deleted the blog. Sorry if you bookmarked this blog hoping to get a free graphic or do one of my tutorials but I just had to move on. I did make the graphics for this blog so I do still use PSP, I’m just less neurotic about it, honest. I only spent a month agonizing over what to use, how to find copy right free pics, and then to finally make what you see here. That’s not bad, is it?

Now for what you’ll eventually read about here... I plan on this blog being a sometimes humorous, sometimes sad, but mostly weird walk thru the life of this anxiety filled angel girl. I offer no advice on how you should deal with panic attacks, agoraphobia, depression, or any other mental illness. This is just about me and how I sometimes deal and a lot of the times don’t. If I didn’t scare you away come back for more.